ramblings on feeling alone

She was great at making you feel like you were not alone. We had entire text conversations in middle of the night….from bed. She was always there. If something tough was happening or if something big was upcoming in your life, she was available. We could always call Mom and (usually) she would come to be with you. All she needed was a plane ticket and she would come and stay with us for a few days or even weeks. So selfless.

I sit tonight and wonder how all of the Mama’s before me have done it. How did my Sister do it? How did my Mom do it? How did they Mother without their Mother being right there.

Such strength.

I was so excited to raise my daughter with my Mother near. From the very beginning, I knew we were lucky to have her. She died twelve days after she moved here. Twelve. She came over once the week before she died and watched Lainey for an hour or two. I thought, “man this is great, we aren’t alone”. Lainey adores her Grandma (geez….adored, not adores). But here we are. Alone. My amazing brothers and their families are near, yes….but we are still alone. Somehow, I think they probably feel alone, too. I’m sure my sister does. There’s something to be said about having someone that always has your back and will come at the drop of a hat to help out and when that is gone….well, life doesn’t feel as good.

Please don’t misunderstand. I realize I am blessed. Immensely so actually. I have a gorgeous daughter and kind Husband. But, I don’t have a Mom. And, right now that is all I want. I want someone to swoop in and be like my Mom. Someone to tell me that she will help me in three weeks clean two homes from top to bottom for a total of 4,900 sq ft. Someone to tell me that she will help me paint and unpack the dozens of boxes that have been stored away for over a year. I don’t even know how to paint cupboards. That was my Mama. She knew how to do it. She was a helper. To all of us.

There were many blessings surrounding her death that maybe soon I’ll share but the selfish side of me (the human side) just wants to know why? Why, Jesus did you take her. We were just getting started. Why?

When I tucked Lainey in tonight I asked her what she was going to dream about. She said Hattie (her bff) and Grandma. All I’ve wanted to do is sit down and make my sweet child a Grandma book of all of her pictures with Grandma in a hard back book from Shutterfly or somewhere similar. I know she’d adore it but I just can’t do it. I see her pictures on my computer and scroll faster by.

A new life without Grandma

If you still have your Mama, kiss her and remember that you did. I don’t remember when I kissed mine last. Save a voicemail from her. Just one. Maybe tuck it away on your computer for some day. If I could just hear “Hi Shana, it’s Mom” one more time…

I want to share real quickly my fingerprint charm. There is a company out of Iowa that I learned about from a patient back in Nebraska several years ago. It is common to be able to order fingerprint jewelry from funeral homes but they aren’t as unique as from this company. We had to have the kits overnighted and it was a risk. I guess our fingers dry out with time and it wasn’t until five days after that we were able to get these molds. I want you to know that my Husband, my amazing wonderful Husband, hand pressed 14 of these charms from my Mama’s left ring finger. He said it was hard but he did it. For us. I cherish this. I love feeling the grooves against my fingernails when I rub across the top of it. Thank you, Adam. 

Baby Carter

Five years ago today we lost our first baby. Little did we know that we would go on to lose three more. DNA testing wasnt done in the first two and therefore we do not know their gender. Our last two babies were girls that we named Noellle and Lainey. Noelle had trisomy 17 but Lainey was healthy. Endometriosis sucks.

At the time, these losses were horrifying but now we understand more of what Gods plan was all along. And, I’ll be honest….I would go through all the heartache again just to get my Lainey.


Inventory and merchandise

This is a picture of available “lots” at a local cemetery. We spent the afternoon walking two different cemeteries. We were unimpressed by the first one before we even visited it because of simple wording. It is amazing how basic words can sting.

When we went to the funeral home a mere 48 hours after we found our Mom we were greeted much the same. Words like refrigeration and merchandise were thrown around casually as we sat there and cried. There was no sympathy. No empathy. None. We’ve never done this before so for all I know this is normal but I doubt it. It was as if he was desensitized to our reality from too many years of dealing with death every day.

When inquiring about the first cemetery we were given a list of all of the available “inventory”. We know now that the “inventory” is a plot (or a “lot” if you listen to the second cemetery). In the back corner is a huge pile of dirt with a backhoe not far away. Concrete casket vaults were stacked as well. The least they could do is plant a few trees to help discretely hide some of this.

The second cemetery was better. There were hills, trees and benches. The entire process is bizarre, though. It is surreal talking to a complete stranger about burying ourselves on top of each other vs next to one another. We are considering purchasing multiple plots/lots to create a family area so someday we can be by each other and with our Mom. They ask you how many spaces you need like you would ask how many bedrooms you need in a house. Like I said….totally bizarre. There is definitely a lot to be said about making these decisions now for your future family (our children). Talk about making their grieving process easier.

We topped the day off with a fun visit to the storage unit that houses my Mom’s furniture. Good times. Good times. 


Hi Grandma

We got news this afternoon. Really big news to us. I wanted to call my Mom but couldn’t. For a minute, it felt like there is no one else in the world but Adam and I. That we are all alone. This isn’t true, of course but it felt like it. My siblings and I have had had this ongoing text thread between the four of us since my Mom’s death. I did the only thing I knew to do and hopped on it and shared our news with them. There’s this weird underlying desire to share this with my Father but I’m not going to. He hasn’t earned that right in my life. He can’t replace my Mom. He can’t even come close. No one can.

We sold our Mom’s car today. I hate it. I hate it. It simply shouldn’t be. She should still be driving it. I found my baby book earlier this week and my Mom’s drivers license from 1989. I don’t know how we go about this. How we literally sort through her life’s belongings. I hate it. I hate it.

I started reading a Christian book about grief. A basic timeline of grief was referenced. They say (and I have heard/read this elsewhere) that between 6-9 months is when things really amp up and feel worse. How can it feel any worse than now, I’ll never know….or, I guess I will (in about 5 months). It also said that when you lose a loved one unexpectedly it increases the average time of grieving from 2-3 years. Three years? How in the world will we make it through?

Oh, and I just heard Lainey in the other room with her toy telephone talking to Grandma (Hi Grandma!). So, there’s that.

The news you may ask? It isn’t even relevant in the grand scheme of things. My Mama is gone. That is the only thing that is relevant. Our offer on an amazing home was accepted-that’s all it was.

Seriously, three years?

Lainey signs to Grandma one last time.