123 days. That is how long I have been motherless. I can’t believe it has been more than 100. It has sucked. This has been the longest four months of my life. Some days I make it until the afternoon without thinking about it while on others it is the first thing I think about. It has gone from a feeling of shock and utter disbelief (although that is still here) to just plain missing her. I want to talk to her, just chat a little. I miss her voice and I’m super scared I’ll forget it. Several years ago Adam transferred all of the vhs tapes from our entire family onto DVD and saved them online. He went through hours of footage to find me the best Christmas gift I could have ever asked for. One more Merry Christmas from my Mama. It means so much to hear her say my name.
Christmas was hard. Really hard. We found some totes with gifts she had clearly bought for our children, a doctor’s dress up kit for Lainey was in there. Every grandchild got a gift from Grandma. We all gave each other beautiful gifts reminding us of her.
Grief is a crazy thing. It is exhausting. It is physical, literally physical. There is pain and emptiness associated with it. My Sister shared something from church….Grief is the price we pay for love. She was everything to us. We loved her so very much and therefore we also hurt very much.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again….call your Mom-you just never know. I know it may not seem like it in this post, but I am trying to focus on gratitude. I am so grateful that she closed our nephew’s door that day so he was kept safe. I am so thankful she knew my Lainey.
I am thankful she was my Mom.