Hi Grandma

We got news this afternoon. Really big news to us. I wanted to call my Mom but couldn’t. For a minute, it felt like there is no one else in the world but Adam and I. That we are all alone. This isn’t true, of course but it felt like it. My siblings and I have had had this ongoing text thread between the four of us since my Mom’s death. I did the only thing I knew to do and hopped on it and shared our news with them. There’s this weird underlying desire to share this with my Father but I’m not going to. He hasn’t earned that right in my life. He can’t replace my Mom. He can’t even come close. No one can.

We sold our Mom’s car today. I hate it. I hate it. It simply shouldn’t be. She should still be driving it. I found my baby book earlier this week and my Mom’s drivers license from 1989. I don’t know how we go about this. How we literally sort through her life’s belongings. I hate it. I hate it.

I started reading a Christian book about grief. A basic timeline of grief was referenced. They say (and I have heard/read this elsewhere) that between 6-9 months is when things really amp up and feel worse. How can it feel any worse than now, I’ll never know….or, I guess I will (in about 5 months). It also said that when you lose a loved one unexpectedly it increases the average time of grieving from 2-3 years. Three years? How in the world will we make it through?

Oh, and I just heard Lainey in the other room with her toy telephone talking to Grandma (Hi Grandma!). So, there’s that.

The news you may ask? It isn’t even relevant in the grand scheme of things. My Mama is gone. That is the only thing that is relevant. Our offer on an amazing home was accepted-that’s all it was.

Seriously, three years?

Lainey signs to Grandma one last time.

5 thoughts on “Hi Grandma

  1. I will tell you, from experience, that it is a long road. Nothing friendly or uplifting about what you have to go through. There will come a day when you accept it; but that doesn’t take the pain, hurt or vulnerable feelings away. But there will come a day when you can think of her and share your experiences with her without hurting so hard. God blessed you with giving her to you, he’ll get you through this.

  2. It will be 8 years my Mom has been gone on Thanksgiving this year. For me it has not gotten easier. I just want to curl into a ball and never have to face the world. I think it has gotten harder for me. Not easier. Time does help but it also can make you feel like they never were. I try to remember my Moms voice and I can’t. I want to just smell her one more time. But I can’t. So much has happened in the 8 years and she is not here to help me. Then I get mad. Alternate between grief and anger. I have come to realize that life does go on, whether I want it to or not. Nothing is ever the same. It never will be. I always make myself think of what my Mom would do, or say, about situations that I really need her for. And make sure I do what would make her proud of me. In the end, it is all we can do. Your Mom loved you, is proud of you, and will always love you. She is with you, even if you cannot see her. I truly believe that. Our Moms are looking down on us and smiling, knowing we will be okay because they raised us right. Gentle hugs and prayers for you.

  3. Your mother will always be with you, as she is a part of you physically, emotionally, and developmentally as the woman & mother that you are today. I know you hurt and no one can take that away. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  4. Tine, yes. Yes to all of this. I’m terrified of “losing” her voice. I keep smelling her clothes but I know that will fade as well.

  5. maybe she had something to do with your getting the amazing house….she is your guardian angel and will watch over you….

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