ramblings on feeling alone

She was great at making you feel like you were not alone. We had entire text conversations in middle of the night….from bed. She was always there. If something tough was happening or if something big was upcoming in your life, she was available. We could always call Mom and (usually) she would come to be with you. All she needed was a plane ticket and she would come and stay with us for a few days or even weeks. So selfless.

I sit tonight and wonder how all of the Mama’s before me have done it. How did my Sister do it? How did my Mom do it? How did they Mother without their Mother being right there.

Such strength.

I was so excited to raise my daughter with my Mother near. From the very beginning, I knew we were lucky to have her. She died twelve days after she moved here. Twelve. She came over once the week before she died and watched Lainey for an hour or two. I thought, “man this is great, we aren’t alone”. Lainey adores her Grandma (geez….adored, not adores). But here we are. Alone. My amazing brothers and their families are near, yes….but we are still alone. Somehow, I think they probably feel alone, too. I’m sure my sister does. There’s something to be said about having someone that always has your back and will come at the drop of a hat to help out and when that is gone….well, life doesn’t feel as good.

Please don’t misunderstand. I realize I am blessed. Immensely so actually. I have a gorgeous daughter and kind Husband. But, I don’t have a Mom. And, right now that is all I want. I want someone to swoop in and be like my Mom. Someone to tell me that she will help me in three weeks clean two homes from top to bottom for a total of 4,900 sq ft. Someone to tell me that she will help me paint and unpack the dozens of boxes that have been stored away for over a year. I don’t even know how to paint cupboards. That was my Mama. She knew how to do it. She was a helper. To all of us.

There were many blessings surrounding her death that maybe soon I’ll share but the selfish side of me (the human side) just wants to know why? Why, Jesus did you take her. We were just getting started. Why?

When I tucked Lainey in tonight I asked her what she was going to dream about. She said Hattie (her bff) and Grandma. All I’ve wanted to do is sit down and make my sweet child a Grandma book of all of her pictures with Grandma in a hard back book from Shutterfly or somewhere similar. I know she’d adore it but I just can’t do it. I see her pictures on my computer and scroll faster by.

A new life without Grandma

If you still have your Mama, kiss her and remember that you did. I don’t remember when I kissed mine last. Save a voicemail from her. Just one. Maybe tuck it away on your computer for some day. If I could just hear “Hi Shana, it’s Mom” one more time…

I want to share real quickly my fingerprint charm. There is a company out of Iowa that I learned about from a patient back in Nebraska several years ago. It is common to be able to order fingerprint jewelry from funeral homes but they aren’t as unique as from this company. We had to have the kits overnighted and it was a risk. I guess our fingers dry out with time and it wasn’t until five days after that we were able to get these molds. I want you to know that my Husband, my amazing wonderful Husband, hand pressed 14 of these charms from my Mama’s left ring finger. He said it was hard but he did it. For us. I cherish this. I love feeling the grooves against my fingernails when I rub across the top of it. Thank you, Adam. 

2 thoughts on “ramblings on feeling alone

  1. That’s amazing. I wish I had known about that company when Mom passed. Although I don’t know who would have made the prints. Probably me. It’s a lovely remembrance. My email address is moms birthday : July 4, 1923.

  2. I’m so scared I’m going to lose it but I love wearing it! They also make things like this for your animal’s paws or nose—reminds me of your dogs!

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