We have had a nursery for a long-time. An empty one. Before we moved to our current home we restored our previous home and had a room set aside for “the baby”. One of the four bedrooms in our current home is already full of cutsie baby things my Sister and a couple of wonderful friends have given us. There is a dresser, crib, bouncer, a couple of swings, bassinet, bathtub, car seats, clothes, a breast pump-you name it. And tomato and broccoli plants under the window. That is the only thing actually growing in that room.

Let me be clear, we didn’t actually start tracking dates, etc feverishly though until about 6 months ago. This doesn’t mean there wasn’t definite plans for a bambino of our own for some time before this but with our move and my new job we felt it important to wait so that I had enough PTO accumulated to be able to take 12 weeks off. I always had this worry in the back of my mind; that when we were truly ready to grow our little family we wouldn’t be able to. I think too often we think things will just happen. Wham, bam, thank you ma’am! Way too many times I have taken care of a teenager with an unwanted pregnancy and thought to myself “geesh, this ‘child’ got pregnant and didn’t want to but when I want to I probably won’t be able to!”. I’ve often thought that because Adam and I waited until we were older that we were asking for it; asking for trouble getting pregnant.

Why did we wait? Several reasons, really. Initially I think I doubted my ability to Mother. I felt challenged also, I think, by my Father. When Adam proposed we were young and in college still. My Father’s response? “You’re going to end up knocked up and drop out of school and never go anywhere in life”. I quickly changed my goal from being an LPN to getting my Associate’s degree as an RN to getting my Bachelor’s as an RN to going all the way and practicing medicine. In 2001 I was the youngest graduate Creighton University had through their program yet! I worked so hard at my education and going far that I didn’t live life like someone in their early 20s. Although married, we were a fairly serious couple. Never drinking, going out, etc. That came after graduation. I think I then got into a cycle for 2-3 years of having way too much fun in life. We traveled, spent money, drank and just acted like young people generally do-to this day I refer to it as my young-life crisis. Next thing you know we were in a not-very-healthy situation in Tecumseh where I was working too many hours, under appreciated and being taken advantage of. It wasn’t until late in my 6th year there that I truly grasped the significant state of un-health I was in. It then took time to wrap up the renovation of the home we were in so it was sell-able and find somewhere else we could thrive that was close to family. Praise God for the blessings we’ve received. We are 45 minutes from my sister now, rather than 3 hours and I am in a healthy environment each day.

Strangely perhaps my biggest regret in my 35 years thus far? It is not that we will be older parents. Not that we aren’t completely debt-free (although we are sooo very close-YAY!). It is that I feel I made a selfish decision to have my children later in my life and because of this they never met my Grandparents or Adam’s Mawmaw. My Nana and Pepe are the only Grandparents I had a connection with and they are gone now. Adam’s Mawmaw, too. His Grandmama isn’t well and I fear her time left with us is short. I look at family photos of nieces and nephews with my Nana and Pepe, of our nieces with Grandmama and my heart breaks. I will never have a photo like that to give to my children and say “see, you met these wonderful people when you were young”. When my Nana was dying when I flew to visit her to say goodbye I cried. I cried as I hugged her goodbye before my flight home and she said, “don’t cry, honey…just don’t cry. It will be alright”. I told her I was so sorry I hadn’t had a baby yet that could meet her. I promised her I would tell my child(ren) all about her someday. And now—our own parents keep having Birthdays. Both my Mom and Adam’s Dad turned a year older this month. Hopefully they will be around for years and years but I feel like I have cheated our children out of time. And, what about us. Just 10 days ago we lost our friend…only 43 years old. Just Monday night I lost a man that is my Husband’s exact age. After he coded I just wanted to vomit at the thought of his too young age.

Speaking of nieces and nephews….my sister and older brother’s kids have got to be “cousins” when together. At this rate the closest cousin in age to our child will be 7 or 8 years older. Although my little Brother will have children I am sure so I am hoping that they will be closer in age!

Rambling. That is what I am doing I guess. There is a sense of disappointment at that certain time of the month when it continues to happen each and every month. And I have had some medical problems to boot that has made things a little more difficult-more speed bumps in the road. We think it will happen, though. I have to remind myself of what I always tell my patients about faithfully trying for 12 months before truly worrying….

People have always asked, “and when are you starting your family?”. It used to be “ahh, someday soon….” in a vague voice but not as of recent. Our answer has been “we’re working on that”. And we are.