I lost another patient this week. A kind, gentle older man. He always smiled, always winked at me and always gave me a hug. He wouldn’t leave the exam room first…I always had to, he was a gentleman. Even though he was tired and I could tell it he always asked me first how I was and how my house is, etc. He always said, we’ll do whatever it takes. I told him he needed oxygen and he didn’t complain, we told him he needed to go to the nursing home, he didn’t complain. But, how unhappy and difficult that must have been for such an independent hard working man.

Although I’ve had a break from funerals lately it was still painful. My heart breaks for his family. Before I knew it I was crying and then started crying for my Nana. And, then they played this beautiful song “Daddy’s Hands”. Even though I don’t have my father in my life, I do have my mother and even my in-laws. It is them that I thought of during this song. I encourage you to listen to it & think of your parent(s).

Just when I thought things were slowing down…or should I say the deaths in our community were stopping! A beautiful woman was lost. She lost her battle to Lou Gehrig’s disease. I know this is terminal but it wasn’t time yet. At least I didn’t think it was. I figured at least another 6-9 months. I can’t stand it.

I’ve been threatening to become a Wal-mart greeter. I can laugh when I say it and make light of it but in reality it doesn’t sound half bad. I figure my heart won’t be broken nearly as easy or as often working in Wal-mart! Read hereabout this amazing woman. She LOVED chocolate! We used to joke about doing chocolate tube feedings some day. I think I will send a chocolate bouquet to her funeral rather than the standard funeral bouquet…

This week hasn’t been much better than last. Our poor community. So far this week we’ve had three new diagnoses of cancer. Our poor little town needs a break, that is for sure. Tecumseh is thankfully a close-knit community that takes care of its own, for which I am proud that I live here.

Today was a tough day. A wonderful young man was put to rest while his beautiful family stood near-by and well over 400 persons from the community watched. The church was so over-flowing that we had to sit in the Parrish hall and watch the service via video…and we arrived 35 minutes before the service was to start! The church is a mere four blocks away but we still were going to drive because we planned to attend the grave side service as well. We pulled out of our garage, drove through the alley and turned around and parked in front of the house…the cars were already lined up that far! This pays tribute to what an amazing man was lost!

He was a volunteer fireman and therefore all you could see was firetrucks, ambulances, etc…cars went on FOREVER. He received his final page at the cemetery. There is something to be said about hearing dozens of pagers going off simultaneously for one “final” call to service for a young man. It was horrible and beautiful, however that makes sense. I pray for peace for his family as they begin to heal. Below is the poem they placed in his program…have a kleenex handy:

When tomorrow starts without me, and I’m not here to see, If the sun should rise and find your eyes, all filled with tears for me. I know how much you love me as much as I love you, and each time that you think of me I know you’ll miss me too; But when tomorrow starts without me please try to understand, that Jesus came and called my name, and took me by the hand. He said my place is ready in heaven far above, and that I have to leave behind all those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away a tear fell from my eye, for all life I’d always thought it wasn’t my time to die. I had so much to live for so much yet to do, it seemed almost impossible that I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays the good ones and the bad, I thought of all the love we shared, and all the fun we had.

If I could’ve stayed for just a little while, I’d say goodbye and kiss you and maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realize that this could never be, for emptiness and memories, would take place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things I might miss come tomorrow, I thought of you and when I did my heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven’s gate and felt so much at home, As God looked down and smiled at me from His great golden throne,

He said, “This is eternity, and all I’ve promised you. Today for life on earth is past, but here it starts anew.” “I promise no tomorrow, but today will always last, and since each day’s the same here there’s no longing for the past.”

So when tomorrow starts without me don’t think we’re far apart, for every time you think of me I’m right here in your heart.

Usually I love practicing in a rural community. Being a nurse practitioner, I get to do amazing things. Things that NPs in cities likely do not get the opportunity to do. I deliver babies. This in itself is awesome as <8% of all deliveries in the United States are even done by family practice providers. The rest are by obstetricians. On the flip side…in a rural community everyone knows everyone.

It has been a tough ten days or so. It is times like these that I wish I didn’t practice medicine. I have felt helpless much of the time the past week. Useless and frustrated. Why did we lose a man in his 60’s to cancer? A wonderful man…he and his wife should be just starting to enjoy their amazing retirement. Why did the woman last Sunday have to die so suddenly…I second guess myself. Her family is wonderful.

Why did a young man, a wonderful husband and father have to die yesterday for no reason? I don’t get it. I mean, I do…I know it was their time and I know they are better off but it isn’t fair.

How can their families be so amazing. How can they come to me and hug me and thank me for being me and doing what I do when their loved one just died. How can they say they hope I never leave this community. How are they not angry. I know they must be…just not at me. How can they give me vegetables from their garden just days after they lost their loved one? I just do not know if I can ever be as strong as they are.

So, here I sit in my own selfish way crying. I HAVE my husband tonite. I CAN call my mom…she is still alive. Tonite there is a young woman across town by herself and her children without their daddy. Their is a woman without the love of her life. There is a family without their mother, wife, grandmother. It isn’t fair.

I wonder what will happen next? Another funeral, I know and one that I am sure will be perhaps the hardest yet. One where the whole town will be present I am sure and where there will be a final call to honor the volunteer fireman that was lost. This, in itself will be painful to hear over the pagers. I hope next week is better. Our office needs it. All of us.