Usually I love practicing in a rural community. Being a nurse practitioner, I get to do amazing things. Things that NPs in cities likely do not get the opportunity to do. I deliver babies. This in itself is awesome as <8% of all deliveries in the United States are even done by family practice providers. The rest are by obstetricians. On the flip side…in a rural community everyone knows everyone.

It has been a tough ten days or so. It is times like these that I wish I didn’t practice medicine. I have felt helpless much of the time the past week. Useless and frustrated. Why did we lose a man in his 60’s to cancer? A wonderful man…he and his wife should be just starting to enjoy their amazing retirement. Why did the woman last Sunday have to die so suddenly…I second guess myself. Her family is wonderful.

Why did a young man, a wonderful husband and father have to die yesterday for no reason? I don’t get it. I mean, I do…I know it was their time and I know they are better off but it isn’t fair.

How can their families be so amazing. How can they come to me and hug me and thank me for being me and doing what I do when their loved one just died. How can they say they hope I never leave this community. How are they not angry. I know they must be…just not at me. How can they give me vegetables from their garden just days after they lost their loved one? I just do not know if I can ever be as strong as they are.

So, here I sit in my own selfish way crying. I HAVE my husband tonite. I CAN call my mom…she is still alive. Tonite there is a young woman across town by herself and her children without their daddy. Their is a woman without the love of her life. There is a family without their mother, wife, grandmother. It isn’t fair.

I wonder what will happen next? Another funeral, I know and one that I am sure will be perhaps the hardest yet. One where the whole town will be present I am sure and where there will be a final call to honor the volunteer fireman that was lost. This, in itself will be painful to hear over the pagers. I hope next week is better. Our office needs it. All of us.