…and I am a little wobbly.
I definitely need to preface this all by saying medicine can be so so rewarding. There is nothing better than a patient stopping you in the middle of the street to thank you for “saving” them or a patient that brings their entire family up to you at a restaurant because they just have to introduce you to their family as “the one that helps them sooo much”. Diagnosing a patient with something that no one else seemed to be able to figure out, delivering a precious babe, saving someone in a trauma….all beautiful things that make you smile when your head hits the pillow at night.
But.
There are tragic things too. Tragic diagnoses that make you not even want to open that exam room door and walk in to see that special patient. I write special because he/she is. They all are. I would be lying if I said there are not some that touch you more than others but after taking care of someone for 7 years, you KNOW them. Not just the “medical” side of them. You know the real them, like that they have a “green thumb” with plants or love to babysit their grand babies or you may even know what kind of food they feed their cattle (seriously!). And, so your stomach hurts and sometimes a few tears may even fall before you open that exam room door because you know that when you open your mouth the words that flow out will change their life as they know it and those that love them forever and ever.
Depending on the patient, they may cry and you may too…with them and you may even hold them as they are often alone in that exam room. And when they leave, if you are lucky like I am you seek out your partner who understands. Who knows. Who has felt it. Who has been there too and she will now hold you.
The problem with me in medicine is this: second-guessing. This leads to guilt. I always think if only I had consulted this specialist instead of this one, if only I had referred here instead of there, if only. I am intelligent enough to realize how unrealistic that sentence reads but I am human. And, boy how do I love my patients.
This past ten days or so I have been on a balance beam and I am wobbly. I know why but just haven’t figured out yet how to get my balance. Grief. I am not coping with grief well. About a year ago I had similar symptoms as now. I refer you back to these posts.
Unfortunately I have lost many patients over the years and have grieved. I have always coped well, at least I think I have. When my Nana died last year and around that time when our little community kind of got hit hard I started having some trouble and then things gradually got better by the end of the summer. But in the past two weeks my Pepe has been ill and in the hospital~not doing well (so I’ve been thinking about the possibility of losing him) and after breaking news to a patient that is like a grandparent to me things have started again.
I am okay during the day, for the most part. My stomach drives me nuts. It is upset all the time. But mainly it is at night. Thank you Adam for holding me as I cry to sleep and for being their during the bad dreams. I’m not sure what they’re about but they must be “bad” because Adam says I’m crying. Sometimes I just wake myself up because of the wetness on my face from the tears. This is the exact same as last year.
I often wonder how much longer I can do this. I have seen some people practice medicine so long that they become almost immune to the grief and while I definitely want to cope better I do not want to become that way. Some days I think, ahhhh what a life it would be to work in an urgent care clinic somewhere just taking care of snot-noses and stomach aches!
We did a lot of praying to help me through last year and did go speak with someone that gave us the idea of the ducks, of which you may remember. The entire point to help me keep in mind that I can only control what I can control. Let me tell ya’ folks, a person can only have so many duckies without risking being locked up in the loonie bin I am for sure.
So. I am open to ideas. Besides the ol’ atta girl, you are doing these patients such a wonderful service and they are so blessed to have you as their provider, etc etc. I do feel that way too. They are blessed and I am blessed. Any of you have tips on grief because I am failing here miserably. At an F if I were to be graded.
love you guys…xoxo
Ah boy.
Of course I have zero idea what it’d be like in this boat – caring for people at their most vulnerable, breaking sad news to them. I don’t even know, Shana.
The thing that strikes me is this: you can see that the easy way would be to step away emotionally, like you’ve witnessed a lot of others do. But you don’t WANT to do that, because you are brave, darnit. You think you’ve got enough strength to take on some of their pain for them.
I’m sure your humor, your relationship with Adam, your faith in God, your stamina, your bravery have all worked together to get you this far. But I hear what you’re saying. You just can’t be strong forever. I hope this blog is a good outlet for you – writing always helps me, usually in the personal journal format. It’s a place I can be vulnerable and admit I’m weak, and that must be helpful for healing. But aaagh! What to do. What to do! Is it enough to have these little things to get you by, to help you cope, or do you need a massive life change? Because, yes, we all have to face grief. But we don’t all have to face it day in and day out like this.
This is reminding me some of my friend, Tamie, who volunteers in the prison system teaching literacy and giving hope and friendship. Every time she’s there, she feels like the darkness will overtake her, because there is so much hurt, and the system itself seems irreparably broken (I think you’ve expressed similar feelings at certain points).
You may find some camaraderie in her blog. http://owlrainfeathers.blogspot.com/
Well, love to you anyway and in the meantime.
xoox
Oh, Shana. I just ache with sadness for you.
I wish I had some helpful advice. This sort of grief was the reason I had to get out of counseling, because I realized I was TOO empathetic (was actually told you have to get yourself immune to the pain to be able to really help people…aaack.) When others are hurting, I am hurting, and it sounds like you are the same way, even moreso.
I can only say, having been the one on the receiving end of the badnews, that when I typically have gotten bad news, no doctor cried with me or even seemed to care. I know you don’t NEED to hear this, but I need to say it as a patient (not of yours) that you are incredible to even feel that sort of love, compassion and heartache for your patients. I can only imagine how much that would have helped me at various points.
I will be praying for you. Be encouraged — somehow. Hug Adam extra hard tonight and surround yourself with beauty when you can.
Love,
Rach
Shana,
Let me start by saying “When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”
I do want to say that is breaks my heart reading that you are in such pain. I do not envy the job that you do. I get a little taste of it every time I get in that ambulance. Every time that pager goes off I have to prepare myself for the littlest scrapes to the major DOAs. I can say that I have had a little taste of what you are saying up above. Last year’s hit to the community and me being personally on that call broke my heart. It took me awhile to get over that. I do remember that as soon as I got home I did not say a word to my wife, but went up to her and hugged her and wept. It was the thing that I needed. Being in this small community means that people that you are in contact with on a daily basis will need medical attention eventually in their lives and that means us being in the medical field (more you of coarse) good chance we will come in contact with them.
Now here is the important thing to consider….how is your spiritual man remaining strong…That is where you are going to receive your strength. It helps to get encouragement from people, but really its the word and The joy of the Lord that is going to get you through. You have a calling….That calling is to be a doctor that loves Her patients. I want a doctor that cares for me, not just my charts, and past history. Reminds me of Patch Adams, you are anointed to be a doctor. Second guessing happens, I have found it easy to second guess yourself when that “call” that I am on does not turn out the way I think it should have. The call last year, I still second guess my decisions for that morning. I learn off of it. You know all this.
I guess I said all that to say this…….The Joy of the Lord is your strength……The Joy of the Lord is your strength……..get the courage, strength, peace, joy, and everything you need from the ONE the loves you more than anyone. He is there for you and is the ONLY one that can heal it all.
WE LOVE YOU!!! RACH UP ABOVE SAID “>>>>> surround yourself with beauty when you can.” So I suggest you and Adam come over tonight! I am beauty!! lol
I want you to read this, but you do not have to post this on your site.
Again the Broomes Love the Carters!!!
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