Tag Archives: Health

Healers and Healing

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If needed, to catch you up read my Balance Beam and Mercy posts.

I opened my email yesterday and found this from my Husband. Knowing how much I am struggling he was trying to find something to help give me peace. In addition to having me listen to a 30 minute audio about death from Chuck Swindoll I found this in my email. A poem written by a Kristi A. Dyer.

Healing,
the ancient covenant between physician and patient
a promise to cure,
to save,
and to restore.

Healing
appears in many forms–
The right antibiotics for an infectious organism
The curative chemotherapy for a malignant tumor
The correct diagnosis in a complex case.

But what of the terminal diagnosis
with no treatment options
when your diagnostic skills are no longer required
your presence will not alter the course?

Then
Healing manifests on the purest level–
an extension of the soul,
aiding in the acceptance of the process
finding peace and serenity
on the path leading to transition.

Healing
of  pain,
suffering,
and emotional distress.
No longer with technical devices
and the newest medication.

But just
A cheerful smile
An open ear
A gentle touch
A warm embrace
Taking the time to listen, to be
to share a part of yourself.

Healing
becomes an expression of caring and love.
The greatest gift of all
may be the ability
to walk with a person
help provide them with strength
and courage

Mercy

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I think I am slowly figuring out where my biggest difficulty lies with everything recently. In that I mean death, suffering, illness…it is just so painful sometimes. I don’t know if “pain” is the correct word as I am not in physical pain per se (my tummy would disagree) but my heart breaks a little each time I have to tell someone bad news or I see someone suffering so terribly. For example, there is nothing worse than seeing someone gasping for each breath or holding a crying patient that goes in week after week after week for more chemotherapy just trying to save their life and they are so sick that they cannot even function at a basic level and they are just so sad and scared and the horrible part is knowing that there is literally nothing that I can do to fix it for them. NOTHING. But pray. And, I do. I pray with my patients in the hospital often. Did you know that when we give chemo we basically bring the patient as close to death as possible and then try to bring them back~that is essentially how it works. The only way it can work to rid the body of the cancer. How awful.

With that said I am sorry to say that I think where I am struggling with all of this IS with my faith. Like I said I pray, man do I pray with these patients and do they ever appreciate it. I think it helps them, but I don’t know…I guess I am not doing the best spiritually and if I did better maybe I would be coping better with all of these things? While some may think it strange, blogging about this also helps. It is like journaling to me.

I have thought about whether or not I am in the right place, the right career right now. But since I cannot imagine changing to a different kind of medicine I think I must be doing what God wants for me to do. And like I said previously, I so love my patients.

I wasn’t going to post it. I was going to keep it private but I have a tendency to lose emails and I think I am going to need it to refer back to again and again and that is the comment from our good friend Jason to my previous post. Telling me that he believes I am annointed  by God to do what I do~this is my calling. And, he reminded me that Jesus is my strength. That is where I am weak right now. It has slowly happened over the past two or three years…one of those things that creeps up on you like gray hair or wrinkles.

So. What now? Well we have a trip that we are both very much looking forward to. We will be flying to Mississippi on May 14th to see Adam’s Mom graduate from nursing school. I am sure you all know by now that Adam’s Dad is a preacher. They don’t know it yet, but I think I need him. I need him to pray over me, he just has it, you know. That touch of the spirit and I need that. So, as Adam’s mom reads my blog occasionally I guess this is their heads up…ha ha!

Reading. Gosh, I love to read. I know I need to read the bible more but I am not good at it. I have a learner’s bible to at least help but I need to be better. But if anyone knows of any good books about grief or anything that you think would help I am open. A friend just gave me The Shack by Paul Young and I am well into it already.  

I sure want to be stronger by this fall when I hope the babe-making season starts (oops, did I type that?)! =0) 

A good friend posted this on her site about 18 months ago and every so often I go back to that post just to listen to this song. In fact, I have probably hit replay and listened to the song ten times while typing this blog. We can all use a little Mercy.

I’m standing on a balance beam

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…and I am a little wobbly.

I definitely need to preface this all by saying medicine can be so so rewarding. There is nothing better than a patient stopping you in the middle of the street to thank you for “saving” them or a patient that brings their entire family up to you at a restaurant because they just have to introduce you to their family as “the one that helps them sooo much”. Diagnosing a patient with something that no one else seemed to be able to figure out, delivering a precious babe, saving someone in a trauma….all beautiful things that make you smile when your head hits the pillow at night.

But.

There are tragic things too. Tragic diagnoses that make you not even want to open that exam room door and walk in to see that special patient. I write special because he/she is. They all are. I would be lying if I said there are not some that touch you more than others but after taking care of someone for 7 years, you KNOW them. Not just the “medical” side of them. You know the real them, like that they have a “green thumb” with plants or love to babysit their grand babies or you may even know what kind of food they feed their cattle (seriously!). And, so your stomach hurts and sometimes a few tears may even fall before you open that exam room door because you know that when you open your mouth the words that flow out will change their life as they know it and those that love them forever and ever.

Depending on the patient, they may cry and you may too…with them and you may even hold them as they are often alone in that exam room. And when they leave, if you are lucky like I am you seek out your partner who understands. Who knows. Who has felt it. Who has been there too and she will now hold you.

The problem with me in medicine is this: second-guessing. This leads to guilt.  I always think if only I had consulted this specialist instead of this one, if only I had referred here instead of there, if only. I am intelligent enough to realize how unrealistic that sentence reads but I am human. And, boy how do I love my patients.

This past ten days or so I have been on a balance beam and I am wobbly. I know why but just haven’t figured out yet how to get my balance. Grief. I am not coping with grief well. About a year ago I had similar symptoms as now. I refer you back to these posts.

Death

Nana

Unfortunately I have lost many patients over the years and have grieved. I have always coped well, at least I think I have. When my Nana died last year and around that time when our little community kind of got hit hard I started having some trouble and then things gradually got better by the end of the summer. But in the past two weeks my Pepe has been ill and in the hospital~not doing well (so I’ve been thinking about the possibility of losing him) and after breaking news to a patient that is like a grandparent to me things have started again.

I am okay during the day, for the most part. My stomach drives me nuts. It is upset all the time. But mainly it is at night. Thank you Adam for holding me as I cry to sleep and for being their during the bad dreams. I’m not sure what they’re about but they must be “bad” because Adam says I’m crying. Sometimes I just wake myself up because of the wetness on my face from the tears.  This is the exact same as last year.

I often wonder how much longer I can do this. I have seen some people practice medicine so long that they become almost immune to the grief and while I definitely want to cope better I do not want to become that way. Some days I think, ahhhh what a life it would be to work in an urgent care clinic somewhere just taking care of snot-noses and stomach aches!

We did a lot of praying to help me through last year and did go speak with someone that gave us the idea of the ducks, of which you may remember. The entire point to help me keep in mind that I can only control what I can control. Let me tell ya’ folks, a person can only have so many duckies without risking being locked up in the loonie bin I am for sure.

So. I am open to ideas. Besides the ol’ atta girl, you are doing these patients such a wonderful service and they are so blessed to have you as their provider, etc etc. I do feel that way too. They are blessed and I am blessed. Any of you have tips on grief because I am failing here miserably. At an F if I were to be graded.

love you guys…xoxo

Getting verrry smart with a bestest girlfriend, good eats and saving Bob’s airway (kind of)

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This past week my partner (who I am lucky is a great girlfriend too!) and I attended a trauma conference. We are now not only sooo sooo much more smart but an awesome time was had. To start with, check out where we stayed. This particular Embassy Suites is by far my favorite hotel on the mainland (nothing compares to Hawaii, I mean…come on!). I always ask for a room on the top floor so I can look down and look at the water streaming throgh the entire atrium with all of the fishies. I love love love it!
 

We had decided before the trip that we were going to eat at restaurants that neither of us had ever eaten at before. The first night we ate at the French Cafe. Neither of us ever having authentic French before, it was different for sure. A little pricey but we are glad we went. Probably won’t go again. I ordered these crab cakes for an appetizer and out came these two marshmallow looking things with a lil’ dollop of sauce on the top…looked like boobies. We couldn’t stop laughing. I ordered a steak and asked for it to be well-done, I guess in France this translates to jerky. Mary Jane had crepes which were good but she left hungry. We really liked the purple tree though, that was smack in the middle of the restaurant! Sorry for the quality of the pictures in the post as they are all from our phones. We also noticed towards the end of our meal that we were surrounded by strange company. The only other people in the entire restaurant were all men. VERY werid.

The next night we ate at a restaurant called the Twisted Fork which I am proud to finally refer to it correctly because until now I have been referring to it as the Crooked Fork. Now….this place is the bomb, I tell ya! We decided to eat the weirdest things on the menu so of course our appetizer was fried pickles (duh…what else would it be?!). I had a grilled cheese and fried egg sandwich and MJ had salmon tacos. The atmosphere rocked, animal heads everywhere, couches with pillows covered with cow-hide but also beautiful chandeliers….very cool.

Back to the conference….we DID learn and we are smarter now. I’ll leave you with this. A picture of Bob. I just know that if given the chance he would have survived. I would have saved him!!! Bob, the little piglet that is. Here he is after I successfully inserted a tracheostomy for his airway.

R.I.P. Bob

Double date, Sandy & repercussions of rapid descent

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We had an awesome time last night, a “blast” as Adam puts it. We spent the afternoon and evening with good friends going to Omaha for a movie and good food. Surprisingly, they invited us even after we took care of their children and allowed them to “run-off” their energy on our treadmill. You may remember…We went to the wrong theater at first, a gorgeous ginormous theater. My eyes dilated as we pulled up at the site of the thing…we don’t get out much to the movies. In fact, I can honestly say that the last movie we went to was two years ago and in Lincoln at a smaller theater…this one was HUGE! Alas, it was the wrong one.

So we headed to the correct one and were saddened to see that it was, of course, much much much smaller…..and dated. People, the tickets cost $2.00 per person. It was a “family value theater”. As the husbands said, they didn’t remember EVER taking us out to a movie that cheap…even when were young and dating!!! When inside there were mirrors all around with weird old lights, reminded me of a county fair that if you looked  at the lights just right you might have a seizure right then and there. There was a little old lady sitting right smack in the middle of things checking her blood sugar…strange (maybe she had too many milk duds). The snacks were the average price of other theaters and the seats and theater itself was A-okay I am happy to report, since we were there to see Sandy in the Blind Side. Adam loves her. Really loves her. He didn’t care for her as a blonde. But man, wasn’t that movie the best?!!! If only I can touch one person’s life like that in my lifetime I will be thrilled!

So, all in all the movie was not for lost. Sandy was great, the popcorn wasn’t burnt and there were no police guards in the lobby. Oh, yeah I forgot to mention that the last “small” theater Adam and I went to in Omaha there were police in the lobby and at the doors….I’m thinking we were in a bad neighborhood and we didn’t know it. Oh….and no seizures!

Next, we headed to awesome chow at Charleston’s. Never been but would recommend now to anyone!!! Great food and service. And, then we talked and talked and talked all the way home. It, was as this post started out saying…a great night.

I haven’t typed about it but this week has been a little tough going with the whole rapid fall down the stairs last Saturday. Surprisingly my fracture didn’t really bother me much the first few days. I think that is because every other muscle, tendon and ligament in my upper body did. I thought I was going to die, people. Seriously. Sunday morning I awoke and stared at the ceiling and thought….this is it…it hurt to breathe, you name it, all from the waist up. I must have stretched EVERYthing when I fell. Every little rib space, the breast bone and my pelvis hurt beyond belief. Monday and Tuesday sucked to say the least, Wednesday got a little better and I’ve been better since. Once my body started feeling better the arm started rearing it’s ugly head. I think I just hurt everywhere else so much that I didn’t notice it as much. But, seriously…if you decide you ever want to break a bone this is the way to do it. I pretty much have full function of my arm which is great. I put in an IUD this week, put on a cast, did some biopsies…basically functioned like normal. Sure, it pains a little but the main time it hurts is if my elbow is bumped and towards the end of the day and at night. Then it aches and stings and burns. Ice is my friend. I’ll take this over a cast any day. We re-xray’d it on Thursday and drats, it was still broken!

I have some pictures of #2 to post from her state bball last week maybe later today that we finally got done going through (I think there is some of #3-#6 also).