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The holidays after losing a baby
We lost our third baby, Noelle Lynne’ just a few days before Christmas last year and it was just awful. Having to pretend around family that all was well in our lives (when the reality was that all we wanted to do was stay in bed and hold one another) was near impossible. But, we did it. We went through the motions celebrating our family’s traditions during both Christmas Eve and Day and I cried on the way home both times.
I am so angry that it is one year later and here we are again. Having just lost our fourth we clearly do NOT feel like celebrating….anything. We had plans to be in Montana with my brother and his family. Great plans. Adam was going to go snowboarding while I (of course I couldn’t ski as I was pregnant) thought about perhaps spending the day with my infant nephew and maybe even get a prenatal massage somewhere. We would have Christmas Eve supper at a restaurant at one of the local ski resorts and celebrate His birthday at an evening service at my brother’s church! We would see the torchlight parade-a tradition of skiers holding torches skiing down the mountain in the dark-so beautiful from afar.
But, now none of this sounds appealing. NONE. OF. IT. We actually do not even want to be around family. Talk about guilt-inducing feelings! Here we are during this wonderful time of year and there is no way in heck we are feeling jolly! Our tree is up and ornament-less! We simply do not have it in us.
This feeling of wanting to be a recluse has got to be normal, right? I am absolutely sure of it. Perhaps this is just my way of making myself feel better but I do think that it is normal to not want to surround yourself with others that are celebrating something while you, yourself are sad. We are grieving. We are grieving the fact that our lives changed forever on December 2, 2014. We will never have a biologic child. Ever.
Interestingly enough, during the week of uncertainty before our most recent loss (I will share more soon) one of the things we discussed was getting away. Just the two of us. This was one of our “coping mechanisms” last year after losing Noelle also…when we planned our Mexico trip. It is as if we could go somewhere isolated (preferable warm!) and just be with one another and be surrounded only by people that do not know our sufferings, things will be better. I know one of the stages of grief is denial and this has denial written all over it. I’m fine with that, though. I just need some time. Some space. I need distraction.
We decided right away that we would (OBVIOUSLY) prefer somewhere warm but I’ll tell you what…finding somewhere reasonable over Christmas with only a couple of weeks plan-time is like winning the lottery-not gonna happen. So, where can you go 365 days per year for fairly cheap airfare (even last minute)? Vegas, that’s where. At first I was a little concerned that it was sacrilegious to go to Las Vegas over Christmas but as long as we celebrate our savior’s birth and continue to live for Him, I think it is all good! We’ve been multiple times for medical conferences, never just to go. But, we are. And, we are looking forward to it. To the people watching (there are some definite weirdo’s out there), to the shows, to the spa (Adam loves ashiatsu massages…ahem, speaking of weirdo’s), to the food, to the shopping, I could go on. We don’t drink and we don’t gamble but this doesn’t mean we can’t have fun!
So, to our family….we love you and our absence this holiday has nothing to do with you and everything to do with us. Muah!! XO Oh, and be sure to wear your National Lampoon’s Christmas shirts and celebrate the Griswolds as we always do!!
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something to look forward to
One thing we decided right away after losing Noelle was that we should plan a trip to give ourselves something to look forward to. Something to aimlessly “google” while planning. I most definitely recommend this to anyone in a similar situation. We spent hours in bed on our laptops trying to decide where we should go, what we should do. We’d never been to Mexico and chose an all-inclusive resort in Cancun. It would be perfect. We chose to be placed in the adults-only area of the resort in an ocean-view room and scheduled spa appointments! The first week of April couldn’t come soon enough!
First let me say that in April Mexico is not all it is cracked up to be-ha! People had told us it was like Hawaii, only cheaper (we.love.hawaii). It was not at all like Hawaii. I mean it is near a body of water but that is the only thing similar. It was hot and humid just like at home in Nebraska in August! We quickly learned that the place to be was literally on the beach and then….then, it was awesome!
The arrival at our resort left a lot to be desired. To say we were disappointed does not even get close to what happened. Initially we were dropped off at this beautiful area where they greeted us with fancy drinks. It was quiet and dark with a lovely smell of some sort and beautiful music was in the background.
Stop. This is as far as the beauty went. =)
We were (very) quickly informed that due to an over-booking problem they did not have a room for us and that instead, we needed to go to the “family” side where there was a room waiting for us. I kid you not (ha, no pun intended). When we walked in to our “new” resort there were those little cars that your child can ride in while you push behind them. They all lined up just waiting for people to use. The food area where snacks/beverages were included juice, milk and fruits and veggies all cut into finger-food/bite-sized for kids. There was a “candy” section.
The mini-bar in our room was not stocked in your typical way. It was full of chocolate milk and bug juice. We went out our balcony and the only thing in view (certainly NO ocean) was a huge kiddie pool with inflatables, slides, etc. They delivered milk and cookies to our room at bedtime. There were potty pads on the beds under the sheets. Are you laughing yet? It is kind of funny……..now. The problem was that we had spent over three months using this trip as our focus to “get through” each day. And it was not AT. ALL. what we had imagined it would be.
The next morning Adam left me in the room and went to the adult’s only side to speak with their manager, trying to explain that being in an “all-child” zone 24 hours per day was not in our best interest-they offered him a drink! Of course, there was simply nothing they could do. I could not (could. not.) stay there for $500 per night. There was simply no way. I was ready to fly home right then. In comes my little brother, aka boy. Being a world-traveler (literally) he had some connections and within two hours we were in a taxi on our way to the Riviera Maya. When we pulled up to this, we knew all was right with the world….
The picture says it all. Boy was our hero and there was a happy ending!
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Daddy don’t cry
Daddy please don’t look so sad,
Mommy please don’t cry.
I am in the arms of Jesus,
and He sings me lullabies.
Please do not try to question God,
don’t think he is unkind.
Don’t think that he sent me to you and that
He changed His mind.
You see, I am special
and I am needed up above.
I’m the special child you gave Him,
the product of your love.
I’ll always be there with you.
So watch the sky at night.
Find the brightest start that’s gleaming.
That’s my halo’s brilliant light.
So Daddy please don’t look so sad.
Mommy please don’t cry.
I am in the arms of Jesus.
And He sings me lullabies.
-unknown
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on friends/family having babies
Shortly before losing Noelle we got a call. From my baby Brother. I remember him sounding nervous which was unlike him. He and his beautiful bride have been married for four years now. A little background….my brother is 10 years younger than I and when we were young….I did not like him. This is the truth. I was the baby when he came and was the “new” baby! It wasn’t until my late teens that I began to really appreciate having him in my life and in my 20’s became very close to him. Today I can say that other than my Husband, my little brother knows more about me than any other. I have two best friends in this world. My Husband and my brother. There is nothing I wouldn’t share with him. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for him. I have cried over the phone to him these past three years and he has listened with open ears, encouraging from afar (Montana to be exact!).
My brother and his wife became unexpectedly pregnant. They knew for some time before sharing their news with us, simply out of respect for what we were going through. I cannot imagine how difficult it was for them to tell us, knowing that we would do anything to be in their shoes! He called my Husband earlier that day to tell him first and to be sure that was a good day to share the news with me. My initial reaction was envy and jealousy. I cried. Then I laughed as it was a true shock! I didn’t see it coming although I knew they would be great parents someday I didn’t think so soon. In fact, since our older siblings children are essentially “grown-up”, we often would talk about how we were going to raise our kids at the same time, cousins growing up together!
I felt such guilt because of the way I felt. It was so very hard to keep in mind that feeling envious was simply my anger and grief at my own situation in disguise. My feelings were normal. Although I was frustrated and sad, I was genuinely excited and absolutely thrilled for this blessing. The blessing of a beautiful child for them and a new niece/nephew for me to spoil!!!
For the first time in decades (literally) my brother and I found our relationship….strained, I guess is the only way I can put it. This was simply because it was awkward for me to express excitement and to actually ask how my sister-in-law was doing with the pregnancy. It certainly wasn’t because I didn’t want to know because I did. I had so many things I wished I could say to my brother and sister-in-law but simply could not verbalize my thoughts.
I (we, as in my brother and his wife) struggled for months….literally. I have seen a Nurse Practitioner that specializes in mental health once a year since I was diagnosed with depression in 2003. She and I had a phone meeting as Adam and I were on our way to Conceptions in Denver about my situation with my brother. She reinforced that I was normal. She gave me one of the best recommendations I have ever received and I am so thankful for her. She recommended I write a letter to my brother and sister-in-law. You have to remember that although I was hurting and finding the whole “situation” difficult, they were undoubtedly also struggling. I knew that if I didn’t figure out how to cope with my feelings soon that they would be hurt by me….and that was the absolute last thing I wanted to happen. I love them so very much.
Writing them a letter and putting all of my thoughts on paper, good and bad, would help them to not only understand what was happening in my heart but would also help them to know that I was truly excited for this baby. And, to also reinforce that I held no feelings of resentment towards them whatsoever. It helped. I felt such a weight lifted and I hope they did as well. In fact, I know they did. I recommend that in any situation (even if is completely different from this one) that you are struggling with verbalizing, writing a letter is an awesome idea. Even if you never send it, writing it will be therapeutic for yourself.
Shortly after I mailed the letter, things began to return to normal between us. I was able to become more excited for this baby that was soon to come. I literally (they will vouch for me!) bought a onesie referring “I love my auntie” or some similar version for every age from newborn until age two…..IN BOTH GENDERS!!! I was out of control, I tell you! But, oh how fun it was to finally feel that excitement!
I was able to go stay with them for a week shortly after Colt was born. I wept when I held him for the first time. He was absolutely perfect. Beautiful.
To this day I am so grateful to my brother and sister-in-law for the extreme respect they showed to my Husband and I during their pregnancy. They were very selfless and patient. We love you, both three!
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