All four of our babies were untouched by the sometimes cruel and painful reality of life, for which I am thankful. They are in a beautiful place with streets of gold.
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untouched
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Category Archives: The Ins and Outs of Us
falling apart or falling into place?
It is like that country song that says some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. It is so very hard to understand, though. I realize He has a plan for us but this does not change the fact that I feel hopeless, angry and lost. I literally do not know what to do with my life-our lives. I’ve always felt there was more. More than just going to work in the morning, returning in the evening to cook supper and before you know it, do it all again the next day. I’ve always thought that it was a child that was missing. If this isn’t what God has in store for us, what does He want us to do? And, I worry so much about if something ever happens to one of us. I don’t want the other to be alone. I realize that is a heavy burden (and the wrong reason) to place on a child. It’s like there is two of me right now. The realistic girl, that knows God has a plan, that knows that what has happened has for a reason. The other me is so frustrated, disappointed and depressed.
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fur babies
What would we do without Holly or Kalia? Our sweet baby girls!
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lost identity
Our beautiful niece sent this to me. This video is perfect. It is us, only this couple is light years ahead of us as far as healing goes. I pray someday we make it as far as they have.
It is about broken dreams and somehow coming to terms with them. The Husband says at one point the perfect thing, “someone that is wrapped up in a broken dream is someone with a lost identity”. I definitely feel like I don’t know who I am right now. My identity is lost. How do we break free from this broken dream that we had? He references that even though we had a dream to be parents, we need to realize that there are other dreams we can have. We shouldn’t let our broken dream define us. It is so tough because this has been our focus for years….getting pregnant, going through all of the motions the doctors have told us to, etc. This is a chapter in our life that we need to close. But, how? I don’t know how to do this….yet. I pray for new dreams. New attainable and realistic dreams.
At what point do we stop all together? Should we even be pursuing adoption or considering surrogacy. Does God want us to be done with this entire idea in our life? I just struggle with this thought. Surely He wants us to multiply and to glorify Him by raising a child up in His image and teaching them to worship Him. Or, is this just another wish but not actual reality?
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collections
Every Christmas as a child I got so excited when the present truck (UPS) came, especially when he brought the box from my Nana and Pepe. They always gave everyone the best gifts! My Nana sent a porcelain Goebel angel for each year to my Mom. I remember my Mom would open the small rectangle box as soon as the gifts arrived and display it with all of the others. She never waited until Christmas Eve when we traditionally opened our other family gifts.
We lost my Nana almost five years ago. That first Christmas all three of my siblings and I got dozens of little rectangular boxes from our Mom. She had spent months upon months scouring auction sites searching for our very own angel from every single year that Goebel has made them. She did for us what her Mom had been doing for her. Every year since there is always a small rectangular gift in with the other gifts from my Mom. I open it right away. Adam said this year, “how come you always open that and we don’t get to open anything else?”. My response was simply that my Mom did, so I am, too. Later my Mom told me we get to open our angel right away because that is the “angel rule”.
The only other thing that I “collect” is nurse/doctor dolls and figurines. I can’t actually remember when or why I started this but it has been fun. Some are very valuable, some are not, some hold special meanings to me. In the top picture there is a funny looking doctor-dude with glasses on the far left side of the photo. He has a white shirt on, stethoscope around his neck and is behind Garfield and Mickey. He is a thumb person (if you click on the picture to make it bigger you’ll see this guy’s arm is actually a giant thumb!) and is from my Pepe. While very ugly and odd, he is awesome! My Pepe used to say he liked the thumb people because “everybody is thumbody”.
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