Category Archives: The Ins and Outs of Us

terrified

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We had our first visit for our home study. The social worker was wonderful. A home study consists of  a social worker being in our home for a minimum of 6 hours, usually over 3 visits. Within these visits, everything is discussed from our childhoods to now and everything to do with our families also. Our home is also inspected closely. We are also required to do a minimum of 10 hours of education relating to adoption. Ten hours is by far not enough, I am realizing.

Of course our credit will be checked, we had to order RAP sheets on both of us and have all ten of our fingers printed…twice for the FBI. Some of the most intimate details of our life is now (or will be) on paper and will be examined closely.

We are having to consider things most people never need to-things we have never fathomed that we would be discussing.

Will we accept a baby conceived from rape?

Are we prepared for a transracial adoption?

Are we willing to accept a child from a Mama that did drugs? Drank alcohol?

Will we let the birth mother have visits with the child?

How does one even decide these kind of decisions? The rape one is easy-we’ll handle it. I don’t know why the race issue terrifies me-other than because of the unknown and I am naïve and I know that we will always live in a rural community. The social worker said that the more we become educated the less scary these things will seem. Drug use? Alcohol use? Of course, we’d prefer not but we have been told that the more picky we are the less likely we will be matched with a birth mother. Visits with the child? Can I actually share? I might be too selfish! It is common-place now for families to really share their lives with the birth parents, some even celebrating birthdays and holidays together. I am sure it is my ignorance but I simply cannot see myself being able to do this.

Terrified. That’s what we are. So much so that adoption may not be for us. I am a black or white girl, I don’t do gray well. There is a lot of gray and a lot of “unknown” in adoption. I don’t know that I am strong enough for it. Now Adam? He is a rock and I have all of the faith in the world that he can do ANYTHING.

But, what else is there? How else do we have a family? Surrogacy, maybe? That’s a discussion for a whole different post.

I leave you with a few photos from our trip:

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We actually had to pay this guy $5 to let us take his picture….such an entrepreneur, he is….

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Lainey Lynne’

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We went to the doctor early the next Monday morning to find out our baby’s fate. I think we had essentially given up by this time. There were very few tears, more of a numbness I think.

There was no heartbeat.

Interestingly, our OB said it looked like twins tried to develop. One didn’t develop and the one that did, simply didn’t make it. I was scheduled for surgery the next morning.

We left our house before 5am to be there in time and all of the nurses were very kind. You could see it in their eyes. They seemed to know-that four lost babies was enough for this couple in front of them. We went through all of the motions…paperwork, blood work, IV’s. Once again, I was given the book Empty Arms. I, too give this book to my Mama’s that lose their babies. I’ve read it too many times. I didn’t cry in the recovery room this time. I didn’t cry at all that day but my heart was broken inside. I felt broken and defeated.

That week went by. I returned to work four days later to such supportive co-workers. I cried when I saw my nurse, she held me and let me. We knew that trying to have a baby of our own was over. Done. We would never do it again. We simply couldn’t risk the heartbreak. We were coming to the realization that our only option to have a child would be adoption. Adoption: a whole new world, a new dream. We were going to have to end one journey and start another.

The next week, we received a call about our baby. We had a normal little girl. We named her Lainey Lynne’. (In Hawaii Lainey means heaven and Lynne’ is my middle name)

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Happy Birthday Jesus

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Here we are in Vegas, feeling like we are in an alternate universe licking our wounds. It is odd….so very odd. It is by far the busiest we have ever seen it here-what in the world are all of these people (including families with children!!) doing in Las Vegas at Christmas?! I mean, I know why we are here…what about them? As a side note- we have never understood why people bring children here-there are too many things their sweet innocent eyes shouldn’t see.

Another thing, it cost $100 (!!!!!) to check one bag on our flight!!!! And, they now charge $5 to print out your boarding pass ( we had ours already but, WOW!).

Interestingly there is very little Christmas music throughout the places we’ve been so far…we are actually listening to Christmas carols on Pandora right now. I tried to plan ahead and got reservations for supper last night and tonight knowing we wouldn’t want to stand in line somewhere. We ate at a fancy Italian restaurant, Zefferinos…actually too fancy for us!!! No cheese and crackers here!! Check out the “seafood” salad that came with my supper! Do you suppose that is octopus?!

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We spent our flight yesterday watching some adoption education videos and will likely do the same today. It is nice to be obligation-free and be able to focus together.

We hope your Christmas is blessed. Cherish your children and sing Happy Birthday to Jesus! xo

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