terrified

We had our first visit for our home study. The social worker was wonderful. A home study consists of  a social worker being in our home for a minimum of 6 hours, usually over 3 visits. Within these visits, everything is discussed from our childhoods to now and everything to do with our families also. Our home is also inspected closely. We are also required to do a minimum of 10 hours of education relating to adoption. Ten hours is by far not enough, I am realizing.

Of course our credit will be checked, we had to order RAP sheets on both of us and have all ten of our fingers printed…twice for the FBI. Some of the most intimate details of our life is now (or will be) on paper and will be examined closely.

We are having to consider things most people never need to-things we have never fathomed that we would be discussing.

Will we accept a baby conceived from rape?

Are we prepared for a transracial adoption?

Are we willing to accept a child from a Mama that did drugs? Drank alcohol?

Will we let the birth mother have visits with the child?

How does one even decide these kind of decisions? The rape one is easy-we’ll handle it. I don’t know why the race issue terrifies me-other than because of the unknown and I am naïve and I know that we will always live in a rural community. The social worker said that the more we become educated the less scary these things will seem. Drug use? Alcohol use? Of course, we’d prefer not but we have been told that the more picky we are the less likely we will be matched with a birth mother. Visits with the child? Can I actually share? I might be too selfish! It is common-place now for families to really share their lives with the birth parents, some even celebrating birthdays and holidays together. I am sure it is my ignorance but I simply cannot see myself being able to do this.

Terrified. That’s what we are. So much so that adoption may not be for us. I am a black or white girl, I don’t do gray well. There is a lot of gray and a lot of “unknown” in adoption. I don’t know that I am strong enough for it. Now Adam? He is a rock and I have all of the faith in the world that he can do ANYTHING.

But, what else is there? How else do we have a family? Surrogacy, maybe? That’s a discussion for a whole different post.

I leave you with a few photos from our trip:

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We actually had to pay this guy $5 to let us take his picture….such an entrepreneur, he is….

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