I barely have words. This song touched me deep inside. To think we have four angels that saw God the first time they opened their eyes and are at His feet is definite motivation to live a Godly life so we can worship as a family some day!
Five years ago today we lost our first baby. Little did we know that we would go on to lose three more. DNA testing wasnt done in the first two and therefore we do not know their gender. Our last two babies were girls that we named Noellle and Lainey. Noelle had trisomy 17 but Lainey was healthy. Endometriosis sucks.
At the time, these losses were horrifying but now we understand more of what Gods plan was all along. And, I’ll be honest….I would go through all the heartache again just to get my Lainey.
Mamamama, she says in one long babble while also signing Mama and patting me on the back. That is what I came home to last night after a long week of work. We walked around the neighborhood chasing the neighbors cats, smelling flowers, picking up rocks, kissing the neighbors dog statue and we played on her swing.
We read books. Her favorites right now are the ones that you can touch and feel, Pete the Cat books, Llama llama books and 100 first words that she absolutely loves to point to and try to either say what each thing is or sign if she can’t say it yet. She is learning new signs quite often now! She also loves animal books and when Mama and Daddy make the animal noises and movements. She can bark, act like a monkey and a giraffe (of course!!!!!).
About a week ago she started signing sleep when she is ready for bed while reading so we open up our Jesus loves me book and we sing. We hug and kiss and we go to bed. She rarely cries. She is a good baby.
She is my rainbow baby. She filled me with life after several years of a pain-filled, dark storm. She is a gift. A great gift from her birth Mother. I pray that as I receive wet Mother’s Day kisses tomorrow from my Lainey that her birth mother knows how so very loved this child is. That she can continue to have peace in her heart that the selfless decision she made to not only allow Lainey life, but to allow Lainey life with her Daddy and I was a good one. I cannot imagine the ache her heart must feel wondering what Lainey must look like or what her sweet little voice must sound like. Just tonight, her Grandma said how she loves how it is so quiet and scratchy sounding!
I am just now beginning to see some of the real meanings of what being a mama truly is. Perhaps the most important thing is that she is first. Always. She will always be before me. I think you are an amazing birth mother and knew Lainey should be first all along. You put her first before you, too. That’s why you chose me. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
One year ago today I wrote these words: http://adamandshana.com/pretending/
I cannot help but weep when I read them. I can still feel the pain in that person but it is very distant. It is a memory now, not a way of life. I praise God for my new life, for the gift He sent to me: