Being in family practice and infertile

Rose-bud lips, beautiful dark eyes and a head full of hair….just a few things that immediately jumped out at me right after the delivery. The sweet babe quieted as soon as it was put on Mama’s chest. All was right with the world in that perfect moment.

Was this it? The last one? My last delivery?

Last August Adam and I discussed my involvement with obstetrics. We decided it may be a good idea for me to stop taking new OB patients at least until I made it into the second trimester of our next pregnancy. I was scared a patient of mine would have a problem while I was in my first trimester, making me worry that it would happen to me too. Strange, I know….but perhaps for some odd reason I thought if I didn’t take care of any patient’s that had pregnancy difficulties, maybe I wouldn’t either. My partners were very supportive of my concerns and my OB practice was essentially put on hold-at least I stopped taking any new pregnant patients.

Fast forward to my final delivery. Everyone is healthy. It was a “good one” in the grand scheme of things-I commented to the nurses that I was glad all went well as it might be my last. I remember when I came to this practice, my practicing obstetrics was a somewhat difficult transition for all of us. You see, in the state of Nebraska Nurse Practitioners cannot deliver babies…and rightfully so! We are not trained in this sufficiently! It is actually very rare for an NP to do anything really with obstetrics so my asking four Physicians to work with that passion of mine was a big step for them. They have been amazing since day one, allowing me to provide prenatal and postpartum care to my patients and letting me play an active role in the management of their labor as well. I have been doing obstetrics now for 11 years and the thought that the sweet little babe with the head full of hair is the last one is difficult. I just don’t know if I have it in me.

It sounds selfish, I know, but I do not know if (or even if I want to) take care of women getting the one thing it seems I don’t get to have. The one thing my Husband and I want. It’s a very odd feeling, though as this has by far been my favorite part of medicine for over a decade. It’s crazy to think that in a few month’s time the one thing I looked the most forward to on a day-to-day basis became the thing I was least looking forward to. I haven’t decided if this is for good or not. If I stop doing obstetrics, this is likely something I’ll never be able to “pick up” again. It isn’t like crocheting or riding a bike. As I said, it is rare for someone like me to even be as involved as I have been in the past, let alone stop and then just start up again someday. Obstetrics is the most legally challenged type of medicine. Experience, experience, experience is what it’s all about. Once you don’t have that experience, you should stop. This is in the best interest of the patient and the provider.

As with multiple other things right now, I am not even sure how to actually make this decision. After Noelle I knew then that I needed to decrease my involvement with obstetrics at least a little and actually put teaching Lamaze on hold. My Births R Us program has been a big part of my life for over six years. I loved educating and empowering women to be active participants in their labor experience but just couldn’t do it last year. Maybe I should resume teaching and stop obstetrics so at least I am doing some of what I love(d). As a side note, I think part of what made my classes as good as they were is that I am involved with the whole pregnancy/delivery experience. This allowed me to really relate to the couples and use my experiences to really educate them well.

And, I know I need to be realistic also. This is my career so maybe I should just suck-it-up and move forward with everything I have done for years. Perhaps it will work out in the long run. Perhaps I will once again become comfortable with the exposure to pregnant women and sweet newborns. I can’t take away all of the awkward situations after all. There will still be the kids that are brought to the clinic who’s parents act like they are a “nuisance” or a “bother” to them. These times are so frustrating. Why, God, when it seems that they don’t even want their child, can I not have a child when I would definitely cherish it?

I pray God helps me to be more understanding, more empathetic, less jealous and less judgmental….and as with everything else that He helps with this decision…


Go to the Next Post In Our Adoption Journey

2011 Fall Ball

Last Saturday night was this year’s Fall Ball, held by the Cozad Hospital Foundation. This is an annual event meant to honor several people that are inducted into the Healthcare Hall of Fame in addition to fundraising. You may remember that last year I compared it to “prom for adults”. It was, once again, gorgeous. Wonderful food and company and the speaker was fantastic. Having never heard of him I was not sure what to expect but he was absolutely inspiring. Steve Siemens is known as a “people-builder”. I can see why. I want to share with you a few things that I took home from his talk:

  • DIE LIVING (word!)
  • The more you give, the more you live
  • Live with enthusiasm
  • Live with loyalty
  • Live with passion
  • We were born to make a difference
  • Commitment, dedication & loyalty LEAD TO excellence, enthusiasm & passion

Miss Holly

Holly & Kalia (oh, and Adam, too)

Women’s Health Luncheon-(quick recap)

In reference to these two posts: post one      post two

So I know it was forever ago but I did promise I would write about how it went. I was terrified. Absolutely horrified. If I liberally used profanity it would be undoubtedly inserted here. I was that scared. That morning when I rounded seeing patients at the hospital before clinic the director of nursing stopped me and asked if I was ready. Heck yeah! That was my story that I was sticking to as of 8:30 am but then she told me about how once when Miss Nebraska came to speak at the luncheon one year she performed a piano concerto.

I stared blankly….I had nothin’. Nada. I began to picture Sandra Bullock in that movie where she pretends to be in the beauty pageant and is playing music on water goblets. I’m thinking to myself~how hard could that be? Maybe that could be my talent.

9:00am~I’m sitting in my suv behind the clinic about to puke and my nurse texts me as she knows me so very well. “If you are sitting in your car freaking out come in so at least I can help you through this”. In I went to discuss my lack of talent.

Noon~It all starts. It went amazing. My nurses told me I was very pale at the beginning but as soon as I got my rubber duckies  (oh…yes, I did complete with stories and all~made a great ice breaker!) and set them out all around me my color came back and I was fine from there. I could feel that I had the audience’s attention the entire time which was great and I knew the content (bones, calcium, vit d, osteoporosis, etc) as it is an everyday thing for me in medicine so I was able to walk around while I spoke so I think that helped with my nerves. There were many questions afterwards, someone even asked about my Husband! ALL the comments were good. I received thank you cards in the mail (go figure~and I did no talent show and didn’t do the talk on sex like initially contemplated!!!).


I don’t want to ever do that again. Never. Ever. Even though there were 150 people that may have thought I seemed like a natural speaker~nope. Not me. The scary thing is that I have heard it from several people and my primary nurse has too that they are already thinking of asking me to speak again next year since all of the women enjoyed me so much.

No, thank you.

Janna (my every-day-but-Tuesday nurse), myself and Renee (my Tuesday nurse)

The ins and outs-catching up

I want to write a post about the talk I gave at the Women’s Health Luncheon….it ended up being wonderful, although I hyperventilated the morning of, nearly vomited…to be continued in another post. Instead I thought I’d just write a few other tid-bits as I haven’t posted in awhile.

In honor of Mama’s Day: 2011 has been a huge year of change for my Mother. A year of positive change, I think. Some may view it as selfish. I do not. She is living in Florida taking care of my elderly Pepe but at the same time for the first time since I’ve known her (heh heh) is taking care of herself. For those of you that do not know about my childhood, that was never allowed….never a possibility. She has joined a gym and has a trainer. Apparently I would NOT recognize her as she has lost all of her extra weight (this according to my relatives). Because of the cancer scare and emergency surgery she had to have in late fall, she has quit smoking~the biggest blessing, I believe. She went to the MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston a few weeks ago for a thorough exam to be sure and is doing well. She has done very basic things that most women take advantage of…our hair, our skin, our make-up. She is enjoying these luxuries at last. She is sitting at the ocean each day (not tanning!!!!) but reflecting. She has found God, I believe. And someone else….I cannot speak any further on that. Oh, and she’s taken up golfing…with a PGA tour instructor (I know, strange huh? but it has a bit to do with the part I will not speak about) But…here’s to her taking care of herself!

That royal wedding! Wasn’t that a hoot? As a friend wrote on her blog~I, too, cannot even think about it without my thoughts sounding British. Ha! Just one brief story: I have a wonderful patient from London. She has a sister still there and a bunch of family in Illinois. Although she has lived here forever her accent is thick, thick, thick. She took time off for the wedding and went to Illinois to celebrate the wedding with her fam. They actually had her niece wear a wedding gown in honor of the event and held their own reception! Not. Kidding. They wore the hats and everything! She said the cake was quite delicious.

Zumba: I. Love. It.

Adam and I did a 5K last Saturday-we walked (duh)… for the Teal Lotus Project. This project was started last fall by a woman who took years to finally come out with her story of being raped. She now wants everyone to know her story and she wants to go around speaking it to help others. She is starting a counseling fund for other women to be able to get free counseling, etc. She has gotten tons of press already, etc. I know her a little and from what I do know of her she is an amazing woman. Being a brand-spankin’ new project this, of course was the first 5k so only 115 people signed up and another 20 came the day of. She asked on the form that if you were a victim of sexual assault of any kind to please let her know as you would be anonymously acknowledged at the event. I am SURE not every woman let her know because they were not for sure what she was going to do, ya know? There were men there, too…of course. Which they thanked over the loud system as they said you obviously love your mothers, sisters, wives, daughters, etc…that is why you are here today supporting this project. So. Subtract however many men were there. I don’t know how many. But in glancing around I’d say at least 25. That takes us down from the 115 pre-registered to 90 in my pea-brained figuring. Then came the anonymous acknowledment part, which as I already said I am SURE not every one that was sexually assaulted in the past told her. Several people came out of the building carrying large bouquets of teal colored balloons and handed them out all around to people to hold. She then asked us to hold them up high and told us that there were 26 balloons because 26 women anonymously told her that they had been sexually assaulted. She said let us let these balloons go and help these women heal today…if even just a little. I looked around at all of the faces that I almost know all of. Our little community. 26 out of 90. I cried. I held onto Adam’s arm. I selfishly thanked God I am not one of those 26 but cried for those 26 and for the ones that have yet to tell.

My partner that lives behind us, the same one that does the ice rink in the winter also loves to hunt turkeys. He and his son, I should say. In fact, his office is covered in turkey feathers. Well, I am sure they are professionally mounted or whatever but to me there are just feathers everywhere. Yesterday morning the dogs were barking like nuts and I walked out and there was a beautiful turkey hanging upside down on their clothes rack in there back yard. Our yards our separated only by a really thin alley. I walked over and it was completely intact except for a little bloody around the neck. Adam came over and I commented on this. He of course laughed at me. I mean, come on people…like I should know these things. I guess it is important that they drain all of the blood out of a turkeys neck right away after killing it. Anyways, as sad/sick as it may sound I did pet it’s feathers a little and they were very soft and beautiful and I now know why they have a clothes rack there. I always wondered. Now I’m wondering if someday we are going to wake up and they’ll be a bunch of ’em there. 

I’d rather have their turkey. I had a person (I will just refer to them as that) that works at a poultry plant tell me a story. They were learning how to cut the turkey breasts and a breast came by with black bumpy warty like things on them and she was taught how to cut them off in one quick sweep and she asked what it was. She was told, skin cancer. The breast went on its way to be packaged and sold to us lay folk. After its skin cancer was removed, thank GOODNESS (I type with sarcasm)!!! The stuff she cut off went into a barrel that was put in with the other stuff that was ground together to make the ground turkey that is packaged together that is sold to us lay folk. OMG. We are, as we have been for awhile but have now rapidly up’d our speed, looking for an au natural poultry person.

My baby brother. Quick braggin’ session. He has his own Edward Jones office in Kalispell, MT and has for a year and a half. He worked in Stamford, CT for the Bank of Ireland before this and I know he is tremendous at what he does. I know little about numbers and money other than I have none and owe too much and he will definitely vouch for that. But. I do know this. Edward Jones works on a point system of sorts I believe and it all depends on how many new accounts you get, how much money your office is carrying, etc. He must be doing well because in his short time as being an Edward Jones wealth analyst he has already been awarded two trips for he and his wife. They recently spent 10 days in Hawaii and in the end of July they will be going to Dublin, Ireland. Yes, I HAVE already asked if there is a discount for family members to come. There isn’t but children can but I’d have to go to the children’s activities and stuff and stay in their room so I’ve opted out. I’m jealous but proud. And as I wasn’t completely impressed with his Hawaii pictures I encouraged him to get a better camera for Ireland because I’ve always dreamed of going and I cannot wait to see those pics!