Happy Birthday, Jesus!

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What a magical time! Happy birthday to our savior and thank you, Jesus for the gift of life we have been given. Thank you for each of our angel babies and for Lainey Noelle.

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Lainey’s first Birthday cake for Jesus!

As we worshiped Jesus (I should say tried to worship with a sweet fussy girl…Iwon’tsaynames) by candlelight last night I thought back to just two short years ago. We had just lost Noelle and the first song we sang at that Christmas Eve candle light service was Noel (not a coincidence, I am sure!). There we were singing in the very same church with a sweet child in our arms that sometimes I still wonder what I did to deserve. Our God is amazing. He died for us so we can be forgiven. So I can be forgiven for my sins yesterday, today and tomorrow.

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I know I have written before that there have been times when all I could say is “God, help me”. Times when I had no other words. But, the truth is (and unfortunately I don’t write enough about it) there are just as many times that I say “God, thank you!”. And, really I should be saying it way more because everything good does come from Him.

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Christmas tree pancakes from Daddy (he wants everyone to be sure to note he added ornaments AND a star!)!

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A tree hung for our angels…

We honestly didn’t get very much for Lainey as all of our family (and friends) spoiled her wonderfully for Christmas and truthfully, she loves paper and boxes! And…..it takes forever to open her gifts! A few times I have found myself saying “I can’t wait until she gets excited for Christmas morning or I can’t wait until…”. But, the truth is…I can. I can wait. She isn’t walking yet and part of me hopes she doesn’t for a long, long time because she is my baby. My only baby and I want her to stay a little baby for as long as possible. She isn’t really talking yet and I love hearing her whisper little bitty baby babble! I’ll wait as long as it takes to hear Mama. I can wait. Just the thought of getting rid of bottles makes me sad because that means she is growing up already. Yeah, I can definitely wait. This Christmas of paper and boxes was just right for this Mama.

Happy Birthday Jesus

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Here we are in Vegas, feeling like we are in an alternate universe licking our wounds. It is odd….so very odd. It is by far the busiest we have ever seen it here-what in the world are all of these people (including families with children!!) doing in Las Vegas at Christmas?! I mean, I know why we are here…what about them? As a side note- we have never understood why people bring children here-there are too many things their sweet innocent eyes shouldn’t see.

Another thing, it cost $100 (!!!!!) to check one bag on our flight!!!! And, they now charge $5 to print out your boarding pass ( we had ours already but, WOW!).

Interestingly there is very little Christmas music throughout the places we’ve been so far…we are actually listening to Christmas carols on Pandora right now. I tried to plan ahead and got reservations for supper last night and tonight knowing we wouldn’t want to stand in line somewhere. We ate at a fancy Italian restaurant, Zefferinos…actually too fancy for us!!! No cheese and crackers here!! Check out the “seafood” salad that came with my supper! Do you suppose that is octopus?!

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We spent our flight yesterday watching some adoption education videos and will likely do the same today. It is nice to be obligation-free and be able to focus together.

We hope your Christmas is blessed. Cherish your children and sing Happy Birthday to Jesus! xo

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The holidays after losing a baby

We lost our third baby, Noelle Lynne’ just a few days before Christmas last year and it was just awful. Having to pretend around family that all was well in our lives (when the reality was that all we wanted to do was stay in bed and hold one another) was near impossible. But, we did it. We went through the motions celebrating our family’s traditions during both Christmas Eve and Day and I cried on the way home both times.

I am so angry that it is one year later and here we are again. Having just lost our fourth we clearly do NOT feel like celebrating….anything. We had plans to be in Montana with my brother and his family. Great plans. Adam was going to go snowboarding while I (of course I couldn’t ski as I was pregnant) thought about perhaps spending the day with my infant nephew and maybe even get a prenatal massage somewhere. We would have Christmas Eve supper at a restaurant at one of the local ski resorts and celebrate His birthday at an evening service at my brother’s church! We would see the torchlight parade-a tradition of skiers holding torches skiing down the mountain in the dark-so beautiful from afar.

But, now none of this sounds appealing. NONE. OF. IT. We actually do not even want to be around family. Talk about guilt-inducing feelings! Here we are during this wonderful time of year and there is no way in heck we are feeling jolly! Our tree is up and ornament-less! We simply do not have it in us.

This feeling of wanting to be a recluse has got to be normal, right? I am absolutely sure of it. Perhaps this is just my way of making myself feel better but I do think that it is normal to not want to surround yourself with others that are celebrating something while you, yourself are sad. We are grieving. We are grieving the fact that our lives changed forever on December 2, 2014. We will never have a biologic child. Ever.

Interestingly enough, during the week of uncertainty before our most recent loss (I will share more soon) one of the things we discussed was getting away. Just the two of us. This was one of our “coping mechanisms” last year after losing Noelle also…when we planned our Mexico trip. It is as if we could go somewhere isolated (preferable warm!) and just be with one another and be surrounded only by people that do not know our sufferings, things will be better. I know one of the stages of grief is denial and this has denial written all over it. I’m fine with that, though. I just need some time. Some space. I need distraction.

We decided right away that we would (OBVIOUSLY) prefer somewhere warm but I’ll tell you what…finding somewhere reasonable over Christmas with only a couple of weeks plan-time is like winning the lottery-not gonna happen. So, where can you go 365 days per year for fairly cheap airfare (even last minute)? Vegas, that’s where. At first I was a little concerned that it was sacrilegious to go to Las Vegas over Christmas but as long as we celebrate our savior’s birth and continue to live for Him, I think it is all good! We’ve been multiple times for medical conferences, never just to go. But, we are. And, we are looking forward to it. To the people watching (there are some definite weirdo’s out there), to the shows, to the spa (Adam loves ashiatsu massages…ahem, speaking of weirdo’s), to the food, to the shopping, I could go on. We don’t drink and we don’t gamble but this doesn’t mean we can’t have fun!

So, to our family….we love you and our absence this holiday has nothing to do with you and everything to do with us. Muah!! XO Oh, and be sure to wear your National Lampoon’s Christmas shirts and celebrate the Griswolds as we always do!!

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Valentine’s Box

Yep. You read correctly. I made a Valentine’s Day box. I am a 34 year old woman and made a Valentine’s Day box and had soooo much fun doing it. My husband helped and he had fun too! There are some girls at the clinic that made some last week (mainly from the office area) and the idea got me so giddy I couldn’t wait to make it! Just ask my nurse. She now says that nothing I say will ever surprise her. “Janna, guess what? I’m gonna make a Valentine’s Day box! Janna, I’m gonna make my own laundry soap. Janna, I think I’m going bald. Janna, I forgot to put deodorant on-do I smell?”

I decided to make an ambulance and enlisted my dear Husband’s help. I’m telling you this was the most fun the two of us have had by ourselves in a long time. We sat at a 6 foot table and it felt like we were in art class in 5th grade. It was great! We even drank soda pop! At the end Adam said, “ahhh, what a sense of accomplishment”. The great part is that it only cost $4. I had all of the paper, the brads, glue, metal strip thingy for the grill, paper, etc already in my scrap booking stash. All we bought was the white foam board and the lights for the top which are heart shaped rings~a buck a piece!

 

close up of the tires

And of course there is a 16 second video….