The holidays after losing a baby

We lost our third baby, Noelle Lynne’ just a few days before Christmas last year and it was just awful. Having to pretend around family that all was well in our lives (when the reality was that all we wanted to do was stay in bed and hold one another) was near impossible. But, we did it. We went through the motions celebrating our family’s traditions during both Christmas Eve and Day and I cried on the way home both times.

I am so angry that it is one year later and here we are again. Having just lost our fourth we clearly do NOT feel like celebrating….anything. We had plans to be in Montana with my brother and his family. Great plans. Adam was going to go snowboarding while I (of course I couldn’t ski as I was pregnant) thought about perhaps spending the day with my infant nephew and maybe even get a prenatal massage somewhere. We would have Christmas Eve supper at a restaurant at one of the local ski resorts and celebrate His birthday at an evening service at my brother’s church! We would see the torchlight parade-a tradition of skiers holding torches skiing down the mountain in the dark-so beautiful from afar.

But, now none of this sounds appealing. NONE. OF. IT. We actually do not even want to be around family. Talk about guilt-inducing feelings! Here we are during this wonderful time of year and there is no way in heck we are feeling jolly! Our tree is up and ornament-less! We simply do not have it in us.

This feeling of wanting to be a recluse has got to be normal, right? I am absolutely sure of it. Perhaps this is just my way of making myself feel better but I do think that it is normal to not want to surround yourself with others that are celebrating something while you, yourself are sad. We are grieving. We are grieving the fact that our lives changed forever on December 2, 2014. We will never have a biologic child. Ever.

Interestingly enough, during the week of uncertainty before our most recent loss (I will share more soon) one of the things we discussed was getting away. Just the two of us. This was one of our “coping mechanisms” last year after losing Noelle also…when we planned our Mexico trip. It is as if we could go somewhere isolated (preferable warm!) and just be with one another and be surrounded only by people that do not know our sufferings, things will be better. I know one of the stages of grief is denial and this has denial written all over it. I’m fine with that, though. I just need some time. Some space. I need distraction.

We decided right away that we would (OBVIOUSLY) prefer somewhere warm but I’ll tell you what…finding somewhere reasonable over Christmas with only a couple of weeks plan-time is like winning the lottery-not gonna happen. So, where can you go 365 days per year for fairly cheap airfare (even last minute)? Vegas, that’s where. At first I was a little concerned that it was sacrilegious to go to Las Vegas over Christmas but as long as we celebrate our savior’s birth and continue to live for Him, I think it is all good! We’ve been multiple times for medical conferences, never just to go. But, we are. And, we are looking forward to it. To the people watching (there are some definite weirdo’s out there), to the shows, to the spa (Adam loves ashiatsu massages…ahem, speaking of weirdo’s), to the food, to the shopping, I could go on. We don’t drink and we don’t gamble but this doesn’t mean we can’t have fun!

So, to our family….we love you and our absence this holiday has nothing to do with you and everything to do with us. Muah!! XO Oh, and be sure to wear your National Lampoon’s Christmas shirts and celebrate the Griswolds as we always do!!

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