Jesus, Jesus, Jesus

For the 8 nights before our appointment I didn’t sleep more than 3 hours. I was exhausted. My depression was escalating and I was getting these anxious panicky feelings. Especially about work! Our OB walked in and asked how things were going and we were honest from the get-go. I wasn’t feeling well. She immediately voiced her concerns with the prednisone being the culprit. Our hope, of course was that when we saw our sweet babe on the ultrasound that maybe some of this would even out for me.

We had absolutely no concerns or fears about our baby at this point. We both just knew that everything was different this time and I was just about 7 weeks so we would see a nice strong heart dancing on the ultrasound! We saw the baby right away, all tucked in! Our OB looked and looked. She was quiet.

There was no heartbeat. We were absolutely shocked.

I know our OB was speechless as all she said is “It’s not fair” before she left the room to allow me to change. We were still in disbelief and began questioning our dates. It couldn’t be! Our baby was fine. It just had to be! They did my IUI on day 12 as if you’ll remember my ovulation “smiley face” was on day 11. This is early for most people. Our concern was that perhaps we didn’t conceive form the IUI, itself….perhaps we conceived on our own several days later and therefore, our dates were off and that was why we weren’t seeing our babe’s heartbeat. It simply was too early. They drew my HCG levels (pregnancy hormone) and it was pretty appropriate. They said we could redraw my levels in 48 hours to see if they were rising appropriately and that we really couldn’t know anything for sure until we did a repeat ultrasound……A WEEK LATER! I think it would normally have only been 3-5 days but this was Thanksgiving week and of course their office was closed for a four-day weekend! My HCG levels 48 hours later rose. We had hope.

We both took that entire week off and most of the next. We basically shut-down. Adam responded to texts for the first day or two but then we just couldn’t. It was Thanksgiving week and we chose to not go celebrate with family. The first time in 18 years that it was just the two of us. We (pathetically) were one of those couples at Walmart at 1pm the afternoon of Thanksgiving trying to find something remotely resembling a Thanksgiving dinner. In hindsight, I realize that our behavior in that ten days was so normal. I think it is natural to go within yourself when faced with something tragic to you. As a coping mechanism, we basically withdrew from life to protect ourselves from anything else that could happen to come along. 

I know during these times we need to turn to God to help us through. He is our strength. We need to pray to him. That week was so awful I couldn’t even find the words to pray most of the time. I remember reading once in my Jesus Calling devotional that even if we don’t know the words to pray, He knows our thoughts and to still just call out to him. Many times this week I founds myself crying, simply saying “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus”.

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