life goes on

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As with any major event in your life, tragic or happy-life does go on. With all of our babies, (with Lainey especially as we knew what this 4th loss meant for us) it felt like time stopped. Time stood still. But the reality is that life did go on….for everyone else it felt.

Bills needed to paid. Our fur babies needed fed. Arrangements for both of our jobs needed to be handled. People still got sick, patients still needed to be seen. Electronics and signs still broke down and businesses continued to call Adam. We still needed to feed ourselves….something….and let me tell you, many days it was just a bowl of cereal. Within our grief, we were stuck-never wanting to leave the house again. Not wanting to answer the phone, reply to text messages or emails. Not wanting to even go get the mail, all while looking out the window and seeing cars still driving by. While logging in to facebook and seeing others functioning and continuing on with their lives. It’s a surreal feeling that until you experience it, you can’t quite completely get it.

Life goes on, for us also. It had to. Like I said, bills needed paid, our fur babies (and us) needed fed, patients needed seen and signs needed repair. Life may be going on, but it is a new life. Dreams we had are gone and we are trying our best to navigate this different life. I’ve only had one day since December 2nd that I did not cry tears of grief and that one day, I still cried but it was for a good reason actually. I may not have a baby in my arms nor carried a baby for nine months, but my hormones seem to not know this. With all four of our babies I could feel it. Could feel them raging and changing. With a history of depression already, it can be an awful feeling-a suffocating feeling. I have become an even bigger believer of the statistics that state depression is the number one complication of pregnancy. I always be sure to tell my patients this and their partners also to watch closely because it can happen. Very easily.

It is like part of my body knows I was pregnant, thus all of the hormone changes but the other part of my body is like the rest of the world. It has just gone on…like there was no Lainey. With all four of my babies I can say that within 28-32 days after losing the baby I cycled, right on time as if those babies never were even in my womb. It’s a painful reminder again that ours is an unknown problem. My body works. It really does. I am good at getting pregnant, just terrible at staying pregnant. 

Such a conflicting reality.

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Rock and Roll….and the naughty restaurant

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When I was young I loved Saturday nights. My parents would have a radio station of some sort playing that would play rock from the 60s and 70s. They would have contests where you had to call in the name of the song to win a prize. My Dad always knew the song. Always. He would tell me the name and I would run as fast as my little legs would take me to the kitchen (where our only phone was!) and I would quickly dial the station. I never got through but he was always right. I’ve mentioned before that we absolutely love Cirque Du Soleil-like lurrrve it! On our trip we went to see Love-for the third or fourth time! The Beatles always bring me back to those Saturday nights.

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I like it more each time I see it and I see things every time that I didn’t see before! If you ever have the chance, you just have to see it! Confetti shoots out of the ceiling a few times and there are speakers in the seats so you are in the music. Here is the way the show opens- (it is awesomesauce!):

We also saw Rock of Ages for the first time. It was great-brought us back to slow-dancing at junior high dances, making out at the softball field (sorry, Moms!), big hair, neon-ness, tight-rolled jeans and mullets.

When entering the theater they gave us these lighters-that were LED for us to wave during the concert! Perfect!

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We wished we had these costumes with us from an 80’s party we went to a couple of years ago!

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We ate a restaurant called Dick’s Last Resort-awesome burger place. We thought it may be kind of like Ed Debevic’s in Chicago, where the servers are rude on purpose and entertain while you are eating. It was similar only in more of an adult-sort of way (duh, look at the name). They make hats for the diners with sayings on them. I was kind of a smarty-pants to our server and he got me back with my hat-we aren’t comfortable ever.repeating.what.my.hat.said. EVER.

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New reality

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After losing Noelle last year I printed this out and framed it. It is in our “happy” room. I need to remember it now more than ever.

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The biggest thing we are trying to understand right now is why God has “allowed” these things to happen to us. I think, though, that we know that we have been trying to break through a door now for several years. A door that He does not want us to go through. He clearly has another door we are to open and enter. Whether that actually includes adoption or surrogacy or neither is yet to be seen.

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We have an entirely new reality facing us. A scary journey. Our social worker says our fear will improve with time the more we learn. We are trying to be sponges and soak up all of the information we can between books, DVDs, online groups and online education. We are required to complete ten hours of education. We were given several websites and a list a mile long of books we can choose from. Having the personality that I have when I go to these websites that offer online courses, my instinct is to purchase and watch every single one. How can we ever know enough? 

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The biggest thing I am still struggling with is the openness with adoption. Closed adoptions are no more, which is a good thing. A birth mama choosing to place her baby for adoption is huge. It means she is making a mature, intelligent decision-knowing that there is better things out there for her baby. But, oh my goodness the grief that must accompany this decision that she makes. She deserves to know about the family she is choosing to parent her baby.  And, I do believe she deserves to have periodic updates….via email or text for example. The first law firm that we met with had a wonderful basic requirement and the contact could be even more if decided upon between the parents and birth mama. They required that you sign a contract promising that you would send a weekly update until the baby is 8 weeks old, then monthly until their first birthday and then twice yearly until age 18. We are completely good with this. This works for us. This woman, this woman that is giving us the best gift of our lives deserves at least that much contact.

What frightens me (again, I am sure mostly due to ignorance) is when I read these stories time and time again in these groups I belong to about these parents who invite the birth mama and sometimes even her family to the child’s birthday parties or over for the holidays. Or, say the birth mama has other children, some parents will arrange for visits with these children. One of the education videos we watched actually discussed a scenario where the birth mama gets married and wants her birth child to be in her wedding. We were all, Wah???? One thing that has been made clear to us is that it is all according to what is most comfortable for both us and our birth mama. But, I feel like I am a selfish jerk. I read these posts from these wonderful women praising their relationship with their birth mama’s and I cringe because I don’t know if I can be as good of a person as they are.

We have also learned enough that open adoption is beneficial for the baby. Every person has a right to know where he/she came from. Every person. Research has shown that talking about adoption casually with your child from toddler-hood on up will help decrease the chances of your child from having identity issues as an adolescent or adult. Plus, there is the obvious…knowing the medical and family history is huge.

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Missing and wishing

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I miss Adam hollering into my belly at our babies.

I miss not feeling well from 4-6pm and being excited because I knew why.

I miss the round ligament pain that I got every time I went to get up from the couch because I was excited my pelvis was stretching.

I miss the excitement that an ultrasound was coming.

I miss having a secret that only my Husband and I knew and would soon share with the world.

I miss having hope.

I wish I could have wore maternity clothes.

I wish I could have breast fed.

I wish I could have felt my babies kick.

I wish I could have felt my babies have the hiccups.

I wish I could have had a henna tattoo on my pregnant belly.

I wish I could look into my Husband’s eyes in our baby.

I wish I had an ultrasound picture of our babies profiles.

I wish I could see what they look like.

I wish I could have sent my Mom the Betten onesie as a surprise.

I wish I could be like so many others that have been lucky enough to not have to experience this.

I wish I wasn’t sad.

I wish I could go a full day without crying.

I wish I could give my Husband a child.

I wish we would have tried when we were younger.

I wish money wasn’t an issue.

I wish my Mom lived closer.

I wish we were raising a family at the same time my brother is and that we were experiencing all of those wonderful things together.

I wish I wasn’t such a debbie-downer.

I wish….

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