life goes on


As with any major event in your life, tragic or happy-life does go on. With all of our babies, (with Lainey especially as we knew what this 4th loss meant for us) it felt like time stopped. Time stood still. But the reality is that life did go on….for everyone else it felt.

Bills needed to paid. Our fur babies needed fed. Arrangements for both of our jobs needed to be handled. People still got sick, patients still needed to be seen. Electronics and signs still broke down and businesses continued to call Adam. We still needed to feed ourselves….something….and let me tell you, many days it was just a bowl of cereal. Within our grief, we were stuck-never wanting to leave the house again. Not wanting to answer the phone, reply to text messages or emails. Not wanting to even go get the mail, all while looking out the window and seeing cars still driving by. While logging in to facebook and seeing others functioning and continuing on with their lives. It’s a surreal feeling that until you experience it, you can’t quite completely get it.

Life goes on, for us also. It had to. Like I said, bills needed paid, our fur babies (and us) needed fed, patients needed seen and signs needed repair. Life may be going on, but it is a new life. Dreams we had are gone and we are trying our best to navigate this different life. I’ve only had one day since December 2nd that I did not cry tears of grief and that one day, I still cried but it was for a good reason actually. I may not have a baby in my arms nor carried a baby for nine months, but my hormones seem to not know this. With all four of our babies I could feel it. Could feel them raging and changing. With a history of depression already, it can be an awful feeling-a suffocating feeling. I have become an even bigger believer of the statistics that state depression is the number one complication of pregnancy. I always be sure to tell my patients this and their partners also to watch closely because it can happen. Very easily.

It is like part of my body knows I was pregnant, thus all of the hormone changes but the other part of my body is like the rest of the world. It has just gone on…like there was no Lainey. With all four of my babies I can say that within 28-32 days after losing the baby I cycled, right on time as if those babies never were even in my womb. It’s a painful reminder again that ours is an unknown problem. My body works. It really does. I am good at getting pregnant, just terrible at staying pregnant. 

Such a conflicting reality.

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