Tag Archives: adoption

the fantasy child

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When first meeting with our social worker and beginning to learn about the adoption process she told us about an exercise that she used to do during classes she would teach. The couple is to write down on paper what their “fantasy child” would look like.

Our fantasy child:

  • would actually be twins!! =)
  • would have Adam’s eyes (so Shana says)
  • would have Shana’s eyes (so Adam says)
  • would have Shana’s ears
  • would have Adam’s hair
  • would have a passionate love for Jesus
  • would be tall
  • would sleep through the night early!
  • would be an easy baby
  • would be healthy, not needing antibiotics until at least after 6 months of age
  • would never battle their weight
  • would love to read (and Adam says would not have “dyxlesia” -bahaha-poor guy!)
  • Would be very smart
  • would love to try new things
  • would be athletic
  • will never do drugs
  • would save themselves for marriage
  • would go as far as possible in college…
  • would never experience infertility
  • (Adam also said would be rich and famous but I told him that wasn’t appropriate for this exercise!!!)

Throw the above list away.

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Once we started looking at adoption, our “fantasy” child is no more. But, the reality is that no parent gets their “fantasy” child! Instead, we will be given the child that we are supposed to have. They may be imperfect on the outside but are perfect in His eyes. The Lord knows our thoughts, He knows our wishes (Ps 94:11) but he also knows our strengths, whether we know them or not. He will give us a child that we will be capable of parenting. This is actually an amazing exercise for all parents. Whether your child be biologic, adopted or via surrogacy-no child can live up to any parent’s “fantasy”. No parent wants their child to struggle in school, to struggle with their identity, to have premarital sex, to use drugs or alcohol, to have a failed marriage, to drop out of college, I could go on and on. The point is, we need to let go of our “fantasies” and instead have realistic thoughts and dreams! We need to be realistic with the expectations we hold for our children………..and it’s even okay if they lick windows (some of the smartest ones do)!

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baby=priceless

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It is awful that money plays a role in so many decisions in our lives. Money can be the root of a lot of good….and a lot of bad. Infertility is expensive. I have had people tell me “well, you know…kids are expensive”. This, we realize. But if you have not struggled with infertility, you didn’t struggle with these type of expenses before you had your child. (note: we have not endured the bottom three…..yet).

  • A D&C after a miscarriage is about $6k….we’ve had two in the past year (partially paid for by insurance)
  • Chromosomal testing of your baby that you lost: $2300-we’ve done this twice. (not paid by insurance)
  • Chromosomal testing of parents: about $2k (not paid by insurance)
  • Genetic counseling: $500 (paid 50% by insurance)
  • Fertility specialist consultation: $75-$150 each visit (not paid by insurance). And yes, phone calls cost-but thank God phone calls are an option!
  • Pelvic MRI: $2k (paid partially by insurance)
  • Fertility testing (HSGs, ultrasounds, blood work, hystersonograms, etc): in the thousands and NOT paid by insurance.
  • IUI: $500 (not paid by insurance)
  • Laparoscopic myomectomy with morcellation/endometriosis removal: $75k (praise the LORD for insurance-mostly paid for!!!!)
  • Fertility medications: $500 (not paid by insurance)
  • Missed wages for time off for both Mother and Father: A LOT.
  • Travel for above testing, appointments, surgeries (gas, hotels, food): A LOT.
  • IVF: $31k and $7k more for each additional attempt (this is going to a reputable facility that will do testing of your embryos before implantation). If for some reason they cannot use my eggs, this goes up to $44k initially instead of the $31k (not paid by insurance).
  • Surrogacy: $100-150k
  • Adoption: $36-52k (it can be done cheaper but the wait will likely be longer. These amounts are from the two agencies that if we were to proceed with adoption, we would likely utilize).

Amazing, isn’t it. These are costs before you bring your baby home….then there are the diapers, baby furniture, clothes, college, weddings!!! =) Would we do anything different? Absolutely not. Would we do it all again? Absolutely. Do we regret the money we have had to come up with? No, no, and no. Otherwise, we would be living with an even bigger “what if” in our lives. “What if we had tried _____”….”what if we saw Doctor _____”….”what if we had gone to a different city”. So far we will never say “what if”-because we did.

The question for us currently is “what now?”. As you can see the cost of adoption and surrogacy is absolutely nothing to take lightly and no matter what route we go will dramatically affect us financially. No matter how we try to look at it. Any of the bottom three things listed are overwhelming financially and we aren’t even sure if they are doable. Of course, just like with anything, there is a loan for EVERYthing, including babies! Is this how we want to start our family, though? In an amount of debt that is life-changing and will certainly affect the lifestyle you provide for your child?

But, ultimately our (future) family is worth it.

Please continue to pray for us to know what direction He wants us to go in and for insight on how to possibly finance upcoming steps we may take.

Let me leave you with one last thought:

Having a baby in our arms: PRICELESS

 

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lost identity

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Our beautiful niece sent this to me. This video is perfect. It is us, only this couple is light years ahead of us as far as healing goes. I pray someday we make it as far as they have.

It is about broken dreams and somehow coming to terms with them. The Husband says at one point the perfect thing, “someone that is wrapped up in a broken dream is someone with a lost identity”. I definitely feel like I don’t know who I am right now. My identity is lost. How do we break free from this broken dream that we had? He references that even though we had a dream to be parents, we need to realize that there are other dreams we can have. We shouldn’t let our broken dream define us. It is so tough because this has been our focus for years….getting pregnant, going through all of the motions the doctors have told us to, etc. This is a chapter in our life that we need to close. But, how? I don’t know how to do this….yet. I pray for new dreams. New attainable and realistic dreams.

At what point do we stop all together? Should we even be pursuing adoption or considering surrogacy. Does God want us to be done with this entire idea in our life? I just struggle with this thought. Surely He wants us to multiply and to glorify Him by raising a child up in His image and teaching them to worship Him. Or, is this just another wish but not actual reality?

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New reality

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After losing Noelle last year I printed this out and framed it. It is in our “happy” room. I need to remember it now more than ever.

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The biggest thing we are trying to understand right now is why God has “allowed” these things to happen to us. I think, though, that we know that we have been trying to break through a door now for several years. A door that He does not want us to go through. He clearly has another door we are to open and enter. Whether that actually includes adoption or surrogacy or neither is yet to be seen.

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We have an entirely new reality facing us. A scary journey. Our social worker says our fear will improve with time the more we learn. We are trying to be sponges and soak up all of the information we can between books, DVDs, online groups and online education. We are required to complete ten hours of education. We were given several websites and a list a mile long of books we can choose from. Having the personality that I have when I go to these websites that offer online courses, my instinct is to purchase and watch every single one. How can we ever know enough? 

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The biggest thing I am still struggling with is the openness with adoption. Closed adoptions are no more, which is a good thing. A birth mama choosing to place her baby for adoption is huge. It means she is making a mature, intelligent decision-knowing that there is better things out there for her baby. But, oh my goodness the grief that must accompany this decision that she makes. She deserves to know about the family she is choosing to parent her baby.  And, I do believe she deserves to have periodic updates….via email or text for example. The first law firm that we met with had a wonderful basic requirement and the contact could be even more if decided upon between the parents and birth mama. They required that you sign a contract promising that you would send a weekly update until the baby is 8 weeks old, then monthly until their first birthday and then twice yearly until age 18. We are completely good with this. This works for us. This woman, this woman that is giving us the best gift of our lives deserves at least that much contact.

What frightens me (again, I am sure mostly due to ignorance) is when I read these stories time and time again in these groups I belong to about these parents who invite the birth mama and sometimes even her family to the child’s birthday parties or over for the holidays. Or, say the birth mama has other children, some parents will arrange for visits with these children. One of the education videos we watched actually discussed a scenario where the birth mama gets married and wants her birth child to be in her wedding. We were all, Wah???? One thing that has been made clear to us is that it is all according to what is most comfortable for both us and our birth mama. But, I feel like I am a selfish jerk. I read these posts from these wonderful women praising their relationship with their birth mama’s and I cringe because I don’t know if I can be as good of a person as they are.

We have also learned enough that open adoption is beneficial for the baby. Every person has a right to know where he/she came from. Every person. Research has shown that talking about adoption casually with your child from toddler-hood on up will help decrease the chances of your child from having identity issues as an adolescent or adult. Plus, there is the obvious…knowing the medical and family history is huge.

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terrified

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We had our first visit for our home study. The social worker was wonderful. A home study consists of  a social worker being in our home for a minimum of 6 hours, usually over 3 visits. Within these visits, everything is discussed from our childhoods to now and everything to do with our families also. Our home is also inspected closely. We are also required to do a minimum of 10 hours of education relating to adoption. Ten hours is by far not enough, I am realizing.

Of course our credit will be checked, we had to order RAP sheets on both of us and have all ten of our fingers printed…twice for the FBI. Some of the most intimate details of our life is now (or will be) on paper and will be examined closely.

We are having to consider things most people never need to-things we have never fathomed that we would be discussing.

Will we accept a baby conceived from rape?

Are we prepared for a transracial adoption?

Are we willing to accept a child from a Mama that did drugs? Drank alcohol?

Will we let the birth mother have visits with the child?

How does one even decide these kind of decisions? The rape one is easy-we’ll handle it. I don’t know why the race issue terrifies me-other than because of the unknown and I am naïve and I know that we will always live in a rural community. The social worker said that the more we become educated the less scary these things will seem. Drug use? Alcohol use? Of course, we’d prefer not but we have been told that the more picky we are the less likely we will be matched with a birth mother. Visits with the child? Can I actually share? I might be too selfish! It is common-place now for families to really share their lives with the birth parents, some even celebrating birthdays and holidays together. I am sure it is my ignorance but I simply cannot see myself being able to do this.

Terrified. That’s what we are. So much so that adoption may not be for us. I am a black or white girl, I don’t do gray well. There is a lot of gray and a lot of “unknown” in adoption. I don’t know that I am strong enough for it. Now Adam? He is a rock and I have all of the faith in the world that he can do ANYTHING.

But, what else is there? How else do we have a family? Surrogacy, maybe? That’s a discussion for a whole different post.

I leave you with a few photos from our trip:

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We actually had to pay this guy $5 to let us take his picture….such an entrepreneur, he is….

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