terrified

We had our first visit for our home study. The social worker was wonderful. A home study consists of  a social worker being in our home for a minimum of 6 hours, usually over 3 visits. Within these visits, everything is discussed from our childhoods to now and everything to do with our families also. Our home is also inspected closely. We are also required to do a minimum of 10 hours of education relating to adoption. Ten hours is by far not enough, I am realizing.

Of course our credit will be checked, we had to order RAP sheets on both of us and have all ten of our fingers printed…twice for the FBI. Some of the most intimate details of our life is now (or will be) on paper and will be examined closely.

We are having to consider things most people never need to-things we have never fathomed that we would be discussing.

Will we accept a baby conceived from rape?

Are we prepared for a transracial adoption?

Are we willing to accept a child from a Mama that did drugs? Drank alcohol?

Will we let the birth mother have visits with the child?

How does one even decide these kind of decisions? The rape one is easy-we’ll handle it. I don’t know why the race issue terrifies me-other than because of the unknown and I am naïve and I know that we will always live in a rural community. The social worker said that the more we become educated the less scary these things will seem. Drug use? Alcohol use? Of course, we’d prefer not but we have been told that the more picky we are the less likely we will be matched with a birth mother. Visits with the child? Can I actually share? I might be too selfish! It is common-place now for families to really share their lives with the birth parents, some even celebrating birthdays and holidays together. I am sure it is my ignorance but I simply cannot see myself being able to do this.

Terrified. That’s what we are. So much so that adoption may not be for us. I am a black or white girl, I don’t do gray well. There is a lot of gray and a lot of “unknown” in adoption. I don’t know that I am strong enough for it. Now Adam? He is a rock and I have all of the faith in the world that he can do ANYTHING.

But, what else is there? How else do we have a family? Surrogacy, maybe? That’s a discussion for a whole different post.

I leave you with a few photos from our trip:

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We actually had to pay this guy $5 to let us take his picture….such an entrepreneur, he is….

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Happy Birthday Jesus

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Here we are in Vegas, feeling like we are in an alternate universe licking our wounds. It is odd….so very odd. It is by far the busiest we have ever seen it here-what in the world are all of these people (including families with children!!) doing in Las Vegas at Christmas?! I mean, I know why we are here…what about them? As a side note- we have never understood why people bring children here-there are too many things their sweet innocent eyes shouldn’t see.

Another thing, it cost $100 (!!!!!) to check one bag on our flight!!!! And, they now charge $5 to print out your boarding pass ( we had ours already but, WOW!).

Interestingly there is very little Christmas music throughout the places we’ve been so far…we are actually listening to Christmas carols on Pandora right now. I tried to plan ahead and got reservations for supper last night and tonight knowing we wouldn’t want to stand in line somewhere. We ate at a fancy Italian restaurant, Zefferinos…actually too fancy for us!!! No cheese and crackers here!! Check out the “seafood” salad that came with my supper! Do you suppose that is octopus?!

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We spent our flight yesterday watching some adoption education videos and will likely do the same today. It is nice to be obligation-free and be able to focus together.

We hope your Christmas is blessed. Cherish your children and sing Happy Birthday to Jesus! xo

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expecting not just a baby, expecting the rest of our lives

Our biggest concern was that with our next pregnancy, paranoia would rule our lives until we saw our baby’s heart flickering on the screen-really until the second trimester to be honest! We were worried that our anxieties would be so significant that they could hurt our babe. Because of these fears we had already decided that if when we were pregnant again we would share our news with our families right away so we could have their prayers. Their prayers to give us strength and peace each and every day.

With all three of our other babies my breasts were tender right away so I knew days before any test would show. I had nothing with this cycle. Nada. Still, I started the progesterone three times daily as the specialist instructed (and let me tell you, it feels like you have wet yourself all 24 hours of the day….every. day.-YUCK!). But, I did it. We truly felt we were not pregnant-so much so that we didn’t even do a pregnancy test 14 days after the IUI as they recommended. Day 15 was a Monday morning and while at the office I thought, “heck, my period is late after all”.

Holy crap. I was so shocked that I almost ran up and down the clinic halls screaming with a pee stick in my hand for all to see….almost. Instead, I showed it to three of our nurses and all agreed, we were pregnant! I took a picture and sent it to Adam and he didn’t believe me! He was working an hour away that day and his disbelief was so great that he drove home right then to see the test himself. He came into my office, I showed him, we shut my office door and hugged one another while crying. We were absolutely amazed. Adam was still so baffled that he made me do another test that simply said yes/no instead of the old fashioned line tests. FINALLY, he really believed.

Incidentally, I happened to open these two cans the week prior at work!

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James 1:17 says “Every good and perfect gift comes from above”. We sent this text to several family members announcing our news! We were elated. We asked for them to begin praying for us, praying for the peace that we so desperately needed. And, I know that they did because we felt it. I know that I at least, was more at ease with this pregnancy than any of the others. I felt that from the get-go it was different. We were actually surprised (well, as much as you can be surprised after an IUI!!!!) so I just knew that everything else would also be different. I felt great-no symptoms at all other than some slight breast tenderness that did eventually develop.

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Per the Tempfer protocol, I started the prednisone twice per day as soon as we found out and did fine with it to start with it. If you aren’t aware, some people do just fine on prednisone while others can have a myriad of side effects. It was tough having to take it twice daily as one of the biggest side effects is insomnia. I, personally, always try to prescribe it in the mornings for my patients to try to help avoid this but in my case that second dose separated from the morning dose was what had been researched and felt to be best for our situation.

I’ve had insomnia since my first year of nursing school (FOR.EVER.AGO!) so I am accustomed to having troubles anyway, but things did worsen. Anxiety, depression, confusion and even psychosis can also happen with prednisone. It is a necessary medication but can be an awful medication. We weren’t scheduled to be seen until we were about 7 weeks along-you know, to check for “viability” (there is that silly word again-GAH, I hate how it sounds!!!).

For eight days prior to that appointment things were definitely not good on the sleep front!

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