We went to the doctor early the next Monday morning to find out our baby’s fate. I think we had essentially given up by this time. There were very few tears, more of a numbness I think.

There was no heartbeat.

Interestingly, our OB said it looked like twins tried to develop. One didn’t develop and the one that did, simply didn’t make it. I was scheduled for surgery the next morning.

We left our house before 5am to be there in time and all of the nurses were very kind. You could see it in their eyes. They seemed to know-that four lost babies was enough for this couple in front of them. We went through all of the motions…paperwork, blood work, IV’s. Once again, I was given the book Empty Arms. I, too give this book to my Mama’s that lose their babies. I’ve read it too many times. I didn’t cry in the recovery room this time. I didn’t cry at all that day but my heart was broken inside. I felt broken and defeated.

That week went by. I returned to work four days later to such supportive co-workers. I cried when I saw my nurse, she held me and let me. We knew that trying to have a baby of our own was over. Done. We would never do it again. We simply couldn’t risk the heartbreak. We were coming to the realization that our only option to have a child would be adoption. Adoption: a whole new world, a new dream. We were going to have to end one journey and start another.

The next week, we received a call about our baby. We had a normal little girl. We named her Lainey Lynne’. (In Hawaii Lainey means heaven and Lynne’ is my middle name)

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