Excitement-devastation

We started trying to conceive in September, 2011 and had no luck for months. While we weren’t overly concerned (I tell my own patients that we shouldn’t worry until 12 months of trying), our OB was concerned. I guess at my age (GASP! 35!) you are diagnosed with infertility at the 6 month mark. She did the basic labs….my thyroid and other hormone levels, all of which were normal. I have never been on any hormones/birth control so that wasn’t an issue and for the most part, my cycles have always been regular, if anything varying by only a day or two. I have had a lot of pain during the 3rd week of my cycles since I turned 30 but really, nothing else abnormal. ¬†Adam was tested (per the OB, his guys seemed hostile-he was certainly not lacking! And, yes this is good for the ol’ ego!). Finally during the summer of 2012 she recommend a hystersalpinogram (hsg) to be sure I had no anatomical abnormalities. A super-quick and easy test but super uncomfortable, too. I watched it myself and saw the nice normal shaped uterus and both perfect fallopian tubes as they filled with dye.

The next month we were pregnant! I have read time and again since then of other women with similar experiences~perhaps our little tubes simply aren’t patent and they push that dye through and voila! Although no one will medically say for sure but I find it hard to believe it was a coincidence.

We were so, so excited. It has been just the two of us and a couple of dogs and cats here and there for years and years! A baby! We told no one. Well, that is a lie. My nurse knew as I couldn’t believe the positive pregnancy test I took one morning before seeing patients!

In hindsight we were overly excited, eager, impatient, you name it. We actually took this photo at 6 weeks! We never intended on sharing it until the 2nd trimester but oh, how fun!

Junior

We thought this would be an awesome Christmas card-just imagine! Adam and Shana having a baby…..FINALLY!!!!!

I woke up to potty at about 4am on November 19th and was bleeding. I yelled for Adam-we were devastated. It is so amazing how you can go from elation to devastation literally overnight. I’ve never been good at keeping my emotions tampered-I called my Mom and my Sister and cried….and cried. It hurt, too. The cramping was intense. I don’t think Adam cried, at least not that I recall or in front of me. He held me and rocked me for nights after. That day was a blur and included the typical blood work to make sure I was okay, etc. I continuously was telling myself (and Adam) that it happened for a reason. It always does, right? I know the statistics….I recite them to women all of the time. One in four pregnancies end, often before the woman even knew she was pregnant. It is generally because there is something wrong with the baby, something making it incompatible with life. Right? Whatever. It meant nothing to know all of this. It was different. This was OUR baby.

I took comfort in knowing my Nana was rocking my little one for me and ordered this print the second I saw it. To this day it is prominently hung in our entry way. It is really one of the main things that comforts me.

love

From that day forward, our lives changed. Pregnancy became scary. I changed the way I practice medicine. I (would like to) think that I have always done a fairly good job with Mama’s who have lost a babe or who is having trouble during their pregnancy, but this….this changed me. Every patient that I have seen with a miscarriage since….I have cried with. Every babe I have delivered, I have cried as they took their first breath. What a miracle. I am even more cautious with my Mama’s-doing extra ultrasounds, etc….just to be sure their babe is baking fine! The other thing that changed is bitterness. I hate this part. I suppose it is human but I am always praying that He helps me with my bitter feelings towards patients with unwed, unplanned, unwanted pregnancies. I used to be able to keep it in better perspective (for the most part) and could consider their surrounding life-circumstances but now….now, that is hard.

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