feeling fault

We had barely turned 20 years old when we were married in 1996. We had to sneak a bottle of champagne in our luggage to take on our honeymoon…..our honeymoon at Disneyland, that is! Adam wanted to start a family right away. The guy loves children. I’d like to think that I am special to all of our nieces and nephews but I KNOW he is. He plays with them, gets down at their level. And, he has the patience of a saint! To this day when I see a niece or nephew one of their first questions is ALWAYS “Is Uncle Adam here?”.


I wanted to go to school. In high school my goals were not terribly steep, although they always included some college at least. I thought I would go to a local community college and be an LPN. I had a phenomenal English teacher in one of my AP classes that showed me I could go further. She encouraged me to go to a larger school and maybe be an RN. I would say I caught the “bug” of wanting to go way further in my education when I was awarded a Presidential Scholarship for MSU. It was AH-MAZING. My bachelor’s degree was going to be completely paid for! We married just before my third year of college. I was not about to mess up my plans with a baby! My OCDism would NOT allow it! As my family knows, I have always been a “planner”, and I mean I plan EVERY. LITTLE. THING. Having a baby was simply not yet in my plans.

Another “bug” hit me right after we got married, though and that was my love for babies. I saw my very first vaginal birth while in nursing school and was in absolute awe of the entire process. Working on our adoption profile, we have been digging through old photo albums and look what we found! The first baby I had ever seen born. Look at how young (and skinny!) I was. Wow.


When I started working on my Master’s degree I was the youngest person ever to enroll in the Family Nurse Practitioner program at Creighton University. Back than (gah-that sounds eons ago!), it was unheard of for a young RN to become an NP as it was mostly women in their 40s and 50s going back to school. I thrived. I loved it. I graduated 2nd in my class. Again, Adam was ready for a baby. You’d think that then would have been the perfect time, right? Not so. I still wasn’t ready. My gosh, I had just spent seven years in school and I was loving my newly-found freedom. I had (way too much) fun for about 18 months-I actually went to parties and traveled, things that most “normal college” kids do but I never allowed myself to do as I was too busy with “my plans” of go, go go!

In 2003, the beauty of being a Family Nurse Practitioner came to reality for me. I joined a busy family practice and was offered the opportunity to start obstetrics. Shortly after joining this practice, the MD I worked with didn’t make it to the hospital in time and I delivered my first baby in November, 2003 (someone had to catch it, amIright?!). I remember shaking afterwards. It was terrifying and wonderful at the same time. Later, I was given an envelope with this Polaroid photo that the nurse’s had taken for me.


Following this was a seven-year whirlwind of family practice. I saw everything. I took care of pregnant women, labored with them and helped with or delivered many babies. I saw my share of babes with problems but thrived on researching the best way to care for these kids and finding out the best specialists for them to see. I watched these kids grow up, doing their kindergarten physicals and so on. My time here was full. I worked many hours and honestly did not have time to even really think about slowing down to have a baby….yet. By this time, we had been married for well over a decade and had our routine. We had pets but otherwise, came and go as we wanted. We traveled, spent money when we wanted to, loved on my baby brother (aka boy) and spoiled our nieces and nephews to pieces. To this day, I am so thankful for the time I spent in this community. Every Mama that ever came to me gave me a gift. Her trust; and I loved her and her family for that.

In 2010 I needed to slow down. Simply work less; no longer cover the ER, etc so we moved to a community closer to my Sister and her six kids. What a blessing to be closer to them! Working normal hours, Monday through Friday allowed me to actually envision having a baby. We bought an awesome home and set aside a room as a nursery, fondly calling it “the baby’s room” for the next 4 years. And, we filled that room with every single little thing a baby could ever need. Friends and my Sister were amazing to us, giving us their “gently-used” baby items knowing we were gearing up and getting’ ready! A crib, car seat, stroller, swings, bouncers, breast-pumps, exersaucers, you name it….we probably had at least two!

We were ready.

In hindsight, I have questioned myself every day since I lost my first baby. I question my decision to wait. If I had agreed to start a family in the beginning years of our marriage as my amazing Husband wanted, would it have worked. Did I wait too long? Are my eggs too old? Maybe I did this. I caused this. My gosh, my Husband….this man that I love more than any earthly thing, deserves to be a Daddy and I messed it up for him. He could be with any other woman and have a baby. It’s me. My body is the one that isn’t working. The guilt is suffocating.


I know better. I know that my Husband loves me more than anything also and that I am who he wants. I also know that my God knew these last three years were going to be exactly the way they were all along. He knew I would be typing this exact blog post. Perhaps we would have had a successful pregnancy but also perhaps our child may have been ill, I may have not made it through the pregnancy (this happens), or maybe my depression would have gotten out of control. I actually wasn’t diagnosed with depression until when my Mom was very sick in 2003 but looking back, I likely had it off and on for years. Depression during pregnancy and postpartum depression is the most common complication of pregnancy. A fact, many do not realize. I could have become suicidal, for all I know.

I simply know that God has and always has had a plan for Adam and I.


Go to the Next Post In Our Adoption Journey

3 thoughts on “feeling fault

  1. Shana, I am deeply sorry for all that you have gone through and are going through. You have a way with words and I know you have touched people’s lives with your life’s work and your story. I hope you can find peace in knowing you will see your children again in heaven.

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