over the edge

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Yesterday I received a phone call that literally sent me over the edge. I feel like we have been hanging on by our fingernails, quite literally and it takes very simple, silly things to break us down. Some of the things are wonderful things but they still trigger the floodgates to open. For instance Adam received a beautiful text from our Niece stating that they sang Noel in church on Sunday and she thought of our Noelle the whole time. He started crying. But, it was a good cry. Still, though emotion is emotion and right now we are emotionally exhausted. 

We made a very important decision about ten days ago. I  have been very forthcoming about our looking into the adoption process and starting this, etc. We also decided to look into freezing my eggs-before they age any further! Gah! I thought 38 was the new 20, isn’t it?! The reality is, though that with each of my birthday’s, the risk of issues increases quite tremendously. My birthday is in June.

At any rate, we called and scheduled a phone consult with our fertility specialist in Denver to discuss this with him. Our appointment is Thursday. His nurse called me yesterday, though asking what type of testing they did on Lainey when we had our D&C. What type of chromosomal testing, that is. It was at this point that I started having some flashbacks of something being said to us last year before the D&C where we lost Noelle. I (think) the OB that did that procedure discussed with us doing a special test on her at the time that required them to draw my blood as well. The whole point is to be sure that if it is a female baby, that it is truly the baby’s chromosomes that you are seeing and not the Mama’s. If the baby and the Mama’s tissue do not get separated appropriately, you may get a false report of normal female chromosomes. No discussion like this took place before Lainey’s D&C. The correct test was not done-meaning there is a 29-58% chance it was actually my DNA that was looked at, not the baby’s! This thought is enough to….well, send us over the edge. Fortunately we can still have the correct testing done for the low, low price of $2300 (insurance will NOT pay). Of course we will pay it and we will know in about a week.

Just the thought that maybe there wasn’t a Lainey. Maybe there was a little boy. Or, maybe it was Lainey but her chromosomes were, in fact, not normal. Does any of this make a difference in anything? No and I realize this but it still feels awful. It feels like our first two babies all over again. Noelle’s loss was not less painful by any means but it really helps to have a picture of your baby, whether it be a little boy or girl, in your mind. And, to have a name to think of when you daydream.

I just hate this. This roller coaster we are riding on. The discussions we are having to have, the feelings we are experiencing. Quite honestly, it sucks and if I used bad words, this whole post would be profane.

Adam says if it was a boy, God has things covered and is calling him Lane! Ha!

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