Our appointment with the fertility specialist last Thursday was postponed until the correct chromosomal testing results on our baby from December are back.

As we wait to find out if we really had a Lainey, or perhaps rather a son, I feel like we are in an alternate universe of some sort. We are stuck in the middle and the world is continuing to go around us. I wish I had it in me to just jump and join everyone. I wish I had the emotional energy.

We have had a couple of people mention that perhaps we just need to stop and breathe for a bit. Four babies, all lost in 2 years is difficult. Emotionally on both of us and physically on me (the hormones alone!). The problem is that I cannot seem to go on with life simply putting all of this aside “until we feel stronger” and more ready to cope with things. It feels like if we know what we are going to do with our future that we can maybe heal quicker, or at least move forward with other things in our life. I want us to soon be able to make the decision as to if we are going to adopt, go down the surrogacy road or remain child-less forever. This is actually something that we both agree on. We need to move forward on this decision soon.

If we are going to adopt we have a lot of work ahead of us and the wait will likely be long as we would be more picky than what others have recommended.

If we do surrogacy….well, that is for an entire different post. What type of surrogacy? Do we make an embryo out of my eggs and his sperm or do we adopt embryo’s? My guess is this is why our appointment with the fertility specialist last week was put on hold. I imagine if we didn’t really have Lainey-if it was not a normal little girl or boy-that the specialist is going to recommend against using my eggs…and perhaps Adam’s sperm as well. Then what? If it isn’t even a child of our genes, why not just adopt? That brings us full circle to how fearful we have been previously about our (albeit minimal) education on adoption we have had so far.

Finally, we could choose to remain child-less. This is an option I cannot even imagine but we are discussing it every day. We’ve discussed changing our lives drastically enough to do mission work in other countries to fill our time that way instead of with a family. Perhaps we could open an animal shelter and devote our days to saving those innocents (we love our fur babies so very much). Maybe we could just travel the world….plan one or two big trips per year and do this every year until we are too old to travel any longer. These are all things we talk about but none of them seem fully satisfying to both of us. None of them will be with us holding our hand saying they love us when we are old and gray….

For now we will stay stuck while the world goes ’round until we know more about the baby we lost on December 2, 2014. We will continue to thank God for the blessings He gives us each day and pray for guidance in the coming days.

I, personally, am also looking forward to the first day I make it without crying.


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