over the edge

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Yesterday I received a phone call that literally sent me over the edge. I feel like we have been hanging on by our fingernails, quite literally and it takes very simple, silly things to break us down. Some of the things are wonderful things but they still trigger the floodgates to open. For instance Adam received a beautiful text from our Niece stating that they sang Noel in church on Sunday and she thought of our Noelle the whole time. He started crying. But, it was a good cry. Still, though emotion is emotion and right now we are emotionally exhausted. 

We made a very important decision about ten days ago. I  have been very forthcoming about our looking into the adoption process and starting this, etc. We also decided to look into freezing my eggs-before they age any further! Gah! I thought 38 was the new 20, isn’t it?! The reality is, though that with each of my birthday’s, the risk of issues increases quite tremendously. My birthday is in June.

At any rate, we called and scheduled a phone consult with our fertility specialist in Denver to discuss this with him. Our appointment is Thursday. His nurse called me yesterday, though asking what type of testing they did on Lainey when we had our D&C. What type of chromosomal testing, that is. It was at this point that I started having some flashbacks of something being said to us last year before the D&C where we lost Noelle. I (think) the OB that did that procedure discussed with us doing a special test on her at the time that required them to draw my blood as well. The whole point is to be sure that if it is a female baby, that it is truly the baby’s chromosomes that you are seeing and not the Mama’s. If the baby and the Mama’s tissue do not get separated appropriately, you may get a false report of normal female chromosomes. No discussion like this took place before Lainey’s D&C. The correct test was not done-meaning there is a 29-58% chance it was actually my DNA that was looked at, not the baby’s! This thought is enough to….well, send us over the edge. Fortunately we can still have the correct testing done for the low, low price of $2300 (insurance will NOT pay). Of course we will pay it and we will know in about a week.

Just the thought that maybe there wasn’t a Lainey. Maybe there was a little boy. Or, maybe it was Lainey but her chromosomes were, in fact, not normal. Does any of this make a difference in anything? No and I realize this but it still feels awful. It feels like our first two babies all over again. Noelle’s loss was not less painful by any means but it really helps to have a picture of your baby, whether it be a little boy or girl, in your mind. And, to have a name to think of when you daydream.

I just hate this. This roller coaster we are riding on. The discussions we are having to have, the feelings we are experiencing. Quite honestly, it sucks and if I used bad words, this whole post would be profane.

Adam says if it was a boy, God has things covered and is calling him Lane! Ha!

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life goes on

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As with any major event in your life, tragic or happy-life does go on. With all of our babies, (with Lainey especially as we knew what this 4th loss meant for us) it felt like time stopped. Time stood still. But the reality is that life did go on….for everyone else it felt.

Bills needed to paid. Our fur babies needed fed. Arrangements for both of our jobs needed to be handled. People still got sick, patients still needed to be seen. Electronics and signs still broke down and businesses continued to call Adam. We still needed to feed ourselves….something….and let me tell you, many days it was just a bowl of cereal. Within our grief, we were stuck-never wanting to leave the house again. Not wanting to answer the phone, reply to text messages or emails. Not wanting to even go get the mail, all while looking out the window and seeing cars still driving by. While logging in to facebook and seeing others functioning and continuing on with their lives. It’s a surreal feeling that until you experience it, you can’t quite completely get it.

Life goes on, for us also. It had to. Like I said, bills needed paid, our fur babies (and us) needed fed, patients needed seen and signs needed repair. Life may be going on, but it is a new life. Dreams we had are gone and we are trying our best to navigate this different life. I’ve only had one day since December 2nd that I did not cry tears of grief and that one day, I still cried but it was for a good reason actually. I may not have a baby in my arms nor carried a baby for nine months, but my hormones seem to not know this. With all four of our babies I could feel it. Could feel them raging and changing. With a history of depression already, it can be an awful feeling-a suffocating feeling. I have become an even bigger believer of the statistics that state depression is the number one complication of pregnancy. I always be sure to tell my patients this and their partners also to watch closely because it can happen. Very easily.

It is like part of my body knows I was pregnant, thus all of the hormone changes but the other part of my body is like the rest of the world. It has just gone on…like there was no Lainey. With all four of my babies I can say that within 28-32 days after losing the baby I cycled, right on time as if those babies never were even in my womb. It’s a painful reminder again that ours is an unknown problem. My body works. It really does. I am good at getting pregnant, just terrible at staying pregnant. 

Such a conflicting reality.

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